Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Number Twenty Two

Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears again! This time he thinks he’s found the ultimate winning hand in Carson City, Nevada. After trying his luck as a professional gambler he realized the cards weren't breaking his way, so he pivots to a new strategy: romance.

Enter a wealthy, elderly widow. Chuck figures he’ll sweep her off her feet, tie the knot, and comfortably settle in as the sole heir to her massive fortune. It seems like the perfect, effortless retirement plan... until a buddy pulls him aside and drops a bombshell about his bride-to-be's actual intentions! Turns out, she's got a "doin' away" method she uses with her suitors, and Chuck's life might just slip away if he stays. Realizing he's completely outmatched, Chuck decides to skip the confrontation, gather up his gear, saddle up his horse, and hit the trail before the wedding bells can toll.

We'll give this guy credit for his resilience and trying all kinds of ways to make a living. Trouble is that so often his money making ideas are either undermined by his own actions, or the ideas were like Ralph Kramden-like; not the best ideas that were doomed to failure no matter what he did! What will be next? We here at GR50 Records await with bated breath!

Howdy!
This be Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
I bet ya’ll didn’t know I were a professional 
Gambler in the boom town of..
Carson City, Nevada!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Playin’ cards day and night ain’t at all an easy way
Hard to git any sleep and it don’t always pay
Found me ‘nother tactic to earn me a livin’
With a widow woman try to make me a killin’
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Saggy of chest and chonky of hip
Droopy of eye, hair like the snow
But I loved her, even all of that’s so
 
We’d take a buggy ride away out the town
Got her to bill and coo make some other sounds
She pledged her love to me and I called her honey
‘Twernt much to look at but she had gobs a money!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Hair on her chin, and post nasal drip
Feet that were crooked, and ass that t’were lumpy
I loved her, but damn she was so grumpy!
 
Planned to git hitched and all cuz she cain’t live too long
I’d git all her money to hep me git along
But one of my buddies took me aside one night
Tol’ me don’t marry her, git her out of yer sight
 
He tol’ me after ya’ll git hitched
And she says yes to be yer wife
She’ll insist you take out a policy
That will cover yer life
And by the time she’s all done with you…
You’ll be dead husband number twenty two!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Marry this bitch, my life's gonna slip
Fingers all gnarly toe nails yeller too
She's got plans a doin' way with you!
 
Sat and wondered what in the world to do
Should I confront her say to hell with you
But in the end I decided like I do of course
To gather up ma shit and saddle up ma horse!
 
I reckoned if she done kilt 21 husbands
she knowed what she were doin' !
I'm a no account, low life bastard 
but I ain't no match fer
 a consarn dad blamed poor excuse
 for an old woman that don't play fair! 

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - Kentucky Shine

 The Burgoo Boys and Uncle June's Jug Band are at it again; this  time in a song that mentions many of the things Kentucky is known for, with the main item being Kentucky Shine, or moonshine. Uncle June himself is the soloist in his unique voice.  The Boys like the variety of instruments and players Uncle June has access to, and they plan to collaborate much more in the future. 

The term moonshine was given to illegal corn whiskey that was many times made at night to try and avoid detection. There are many legal distillers of moonshine, but there is still a small group that do it on the sly illegally to avoid the costs of licenses and the expense of a distillery that is subject to state inspection and regulation. Despite some states having laws that permit a limited amount of moonshine made for personal use, there remains a federal law against it. 

Uncle June

Making moonshine can be dangerous on different levels. Straight alcohol creates vapor which is highly flammable, especially in an enclosed space and can explode, so adequate ventilation is needed. Even static electricity can ignite the vapors. Then there's toxic substances that can contaminate the alcohol. Lead can come from using the wrong items to make a still, for example. Then there's the liquid that comes directly after the initial product of the still, called the Head. It contains traces of toxic materials such as acetone and formaldehyde and should never be consumed. The byproducts of fermentation that are contained in the aftershot, or very last liquid from the still are also toxic and should not be consumed. Seems to us that there's more danger in the stuff than it's worth! After all, like Uncle June says: But if ya'll can't handle the stuff, we all wanna reassure, use it fer cleanin' car engines, makes a damn good degreaser! But make sure you do it in a well ventilated area and don't smoke! 

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

The Great State of Kentucky  
Is known for many things
Bluegrass music keeps the state
Smilin' happy as it sings

Got horses a plenty too
And the famous Derby race 
Louisville slugger baseball bats
Help the batters keep a pace

Kentucky Fried Chicken as well 
That's known around the world 
And the finest bourbon whiskey
In glasses of ice that's swirled

And don't forget the classic dish
We'll mention special stew
A really long cooked tasty bowl
Of home cooked thick Burgoo 

But there’s still one thing that's left
We wanna mention 'fore we're through
Pistol packin', wallopin'
Gullet burnin' mountain dew!

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

Home brewed in them thar hills
By bootleggers young and old
Tradition has fruit jars filled
With clear alcoholic gold

A quart'll last ya a while
But damn, take it nice and slow
A little bit'll make ya smile
But too much'll make ya crow!

Proof numbers in triple digits
Don't git it near no open flame!
Treat it right or ya'll be sorry 
Gits away it'll be hard to tame!

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

First time drinkers will think it's like
Suckin' on a fire burnin' match 
It'll scorch yer mouth, torch yer craw
In heat that'll be hard to match

But if ya'll can't handle the stuff
We all wanna reassure
Use it fer cleanin' car engines
Makes a damn good degreaser

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Bulgin' Tough Muscles

 
Chuck Wagon Calhoun continues his traipsing around the old west, this time as, of all things, a blacksmith with Bulgin' Tough Muscles in the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood began as a group of squatters that illegally squatted on the land that had been guaranteed ownership of the Black Hills in 1868 to the Lakota People. Lawsuits, some going as high as The Supreme Court ensued, but things took a turn after George Armstrong Custer was ordered to lead an expedition into the area, and in 1874 there was an announcement declaring gold had been found. By 1876 there were 12,000 people in the town and it was known for its lawlessness, murder, gambling, prostitution, and about every other kind of human bad habit. 

The pimp mentioned in the song is Al Swearengen, a man that operated the opium trade in town (there were Chinese immigrants in the town that had connections to get it) as well as a saloon called The Gem Theater. He had his fingers in most all the illegal activity in town, and stayed there until 1899. Sheriff Bullock mentioned in the song was a Canadian/American born in Ontario, Canada in 1849. He was a business owner, politician, Sheriff, and U.S. Marshall. He had to leave Canada to avoid prosecution when he was a County Treasurer and funds were found to be missing. So like many lawmen  of the old west, he spent his time on the other side of the law. 

Under the spreadin’ Chestnut tree
Stood the village smithy… it was me!
Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun and I’ve
Got a story to tell ya ‘bout a town ya might
Have heerd of…
DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
When I were young I apprenticed
At a blacksmith shop in Deadwood
Took me a while to get the hang
Of poundin’ the anvil like I should
 
After a lotta hammerin’
Poundin’ red hot steel inta shape
My muscles growed big and hard
Shore did me good in a few scrapes
 
Because I sure had
Bulgin’ tough muscles in ma arms
Bulgin’ hard muscles in ma face
Glistnin’ hard muscles in ma legs
Ripplin’ rough muscles ever place!
 
I put in long hard days and nights
Workin’ and sculptin’ red hot iron
Inta what ya could use, like horse shoes
Griddles, wagon parts and flat irons
 
After work I’d go git some grub
And have a few dranks with ma pals
Did a little gamblin’ as well
But never had to pay fer no gals!
 
Because I sure had
Rock hard tough muscles in my ass
Even had muscles in my spit!
Impressive muscles ever where
EVEN HAD MUSCLES IN MY SHIT!
 
Ladies would always foller me
Like they’s all my puppy dogs
They like to feel all my muscles
Keep me out ‘til the mornin’ fog
 
Then a pimp named Al Swearengen
Owned The Gem Theater saloon
Tried to frame me for a murder
That were done by one a his goons
 
Sheriff Bullock was in on it
He swore they had me dead to rights
Vigilantes fixin’ to hang me
In the middle of the night!
 
They had me in jail gettin’ ready
To gimme a noose neck tie
I bent the jail bars with ma muscles
And spit in Sheriff Bullocks eye!
 
So guess what I done…
Used ma strong arms to escape
Saddled up ma horse rode away
Held the horse reins in ma strong hands
I SHORE AS HELL COULDN’T STAY!
 
Them crooks in Deadwood hated my ass
‘Specially the pimps!
Never made no money off me back then!
Didn’t have to spend no money on women…
Women spend money on ME!
Fight over me, squabble and pull out each other’s hir…
I used to tell em’…
JEST LINE UP, WAIT YER TURN!
THE MUSCLE MAN’S GOT ENOUGH
FER ALL OF YA!

Zbig Szafranski with The Nude Polka Kings - Czernina!

He's back! Zbig Szafranski has come back to the U.S. after a visit to his homeland of Poland.  We thought that he wouldn't come back by the sound of things last time we heard a song from him. He sounded and looked terrible; overweight, forgetful, gruff and nasty personality. He had been associated with our polka group, The Nude Polka Kings, and their spokesperson told us  that they thought he'd gone back to Poland to die. But after the first of the year he came back. Ends up Poland was not to his liking, too much had changed. He looked up some relatives when there, and one of them was a rich businessman in Warsaw who took a liking to him and got him into a private hospital for a checkup. After a few weeks there, and put on a diet, he came out a new man! Medication to help with  his failing heart, and a general makeover of the rest of his health issues. The spokesman told us his attitude changed as well! Not nearly as grumpy and cantankerous, looks downright healthy for a man in his late 90's!

His new song is in  tribute to his Polish Grandmother who used to make his favorite dish for him: Czernina - Duck Blood Soup! Yes, soup made from dried fruit, vinegar, onions, garlic, pepper, salt, duck broth...and duck blood! A classic, traditional peasant soup from Poland that used all of the duck 'except the beak'. For peasants all over the world, nothing could be wasted. We hear at GR50 Records have never heard of it, let alone tasted it, but  they say it is a sweet and sour soup that if you can forget that one ingredient, tastes very good and is still popular in Poland today.

I went to Polska,
I tell you something I ate, classic dish!
Is Czernina!  Cernina! Say it! Cernina
I going to tell how to make it
BUT YOU GOING TO EAT IT ANYWAY!
 
Take onions, cut them fine
Dice dry fruit, do what I speak
You need a kacza...A DUCK! ...
A live duck!
Don't be sissy pants, use it all but beak!
 
 Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Onion, pepper and salt use too
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki! Is good for you!
 
Hold duck over bowl...CUT HIS THROAT!...
Is tradition! Don’t get sick!
Drain blood in bowl, then pluck and gut!
Simmer dead kaczki in plenty water deep
Strip off the meat, let it steep!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Vinegar then you going to use
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki!  You don’t refuse!
 
Put vinegar in bowl with blood
Don't want  blood clot get hard
Stir it up, let it sit, go back to kaczki
Filter broth, duck cut up , use DUCK LARD!
 
Put everything together, let it simmer
Not too hot, and get pierogies ready!
What?  You don’t know pierogies?  Shame on you!
Is good Polska food, learn already!
Don’t be stupid Polack!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Ready to eat!
Duck blood! Duck blood! Tender sweet meat!
Simmered in broth, blood, but not beak
EAT IT GODDAMMIT! DON’T GET SICK!
 
Is good for you! So very tasty too!
Was cooked by my babcia (Grandma)
When I was little boy
Is good memory, this soup!
Niech Bóg błogosławi duszę mojej babci…
(May God bless my Grandmother’s soul)
 
Duck blood soup! Duck blood soup! Do what I say
Czernina! Czernina! Use it today!
Onion, fruit, pepper and salt use too
Czernina! Czernina! Is good for you! 

The Nude Polka Kings! - Don't Smash The Punkins!

 The Nude Polka Kings turn their polka instincts to the Halloween holiday with the novel song Don't
Smash The Punkins! Polka.  Most of us here at GR50 Records enjoyed the song, except for one associate.

Whenever we get a sound file of a new song, we have a round table meeting of available associates and discuss it.  There is never a song released arbitrarily by us - they all come under scrutiny and a vote. The one dissenting opinion over this song came about the lyrics. First of all, the term 'punkins' instead of 'pumpkins', and to take it even further, it was suggested that since the song is really about smashing jack o' lanterns, it should be named 'Don't Smash The Jack O' Lanterns'.  Of course pumpkin is the correct term, but it was pointed out to the dissenter that since this was a novelty song, a certain hominess of style in the lyric was a good thing. Next, as to why they used 'punkin' instead of jack o' lantern, it was also pointed out that what is a jack o' lantern but a type of pumpkin after all? A specific style and use for a pumpkin, but still a pumpkin nonetheless. And the rhyme of 'punkins' and 'youngkins' was also criticized, as the dissenter didn't know what youngkins meant. As was pointed out to him, the meaning of the fabricated word can be derived from the context and poetic license; a young one, a kid.  But the lone dissenter stood by their guns, and we brought it up to a vote, with the obvious outcome.

It is the autumn time of year
And soon it will be Halloween
Trick or treating lots of candy
Ghosts and goblins on the scene

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT PLEASE...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

Carving punkins into faces
Lighting them evil delight
Perfect time to dance the polka
In the dark and eerie night!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT OH NO...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

All kinds of costumes that we've seen
Witches, goblins, vampires too
Women wear some that are skimpy
We appreciate the view!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT DON'T DO IT!

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - 'Possum Livin' Skills

Uncle June himself is the soloist in this song, 'Possum Livin' Skills, and he has a voice that isn't what you'd call pretty, but it is assuredly distinctive. With a little bit of a growl, a touch of hoarseness, and an ability to put a lot into the lyrics of a song. But we do advise that listeners follow along with the printed lyrics, as Uncle June's accent combined with his voice timbre can leave some words hard to understand. But it is worth the effort, as Uncle June is the author of them, and they contain Kentucky country wisdom as well as good humor. 

We talked to the leader of The Burgoo Boys, John Henry Flort, and he told us their group was playing the same gig as Uncle June's and they liked their sound, started jamming with them after the gig, and they ended up playing until morning! John Henry said that the group gives them an added dimension besides bluegrass. He also told us that the entire group is the happiest bunch they've ever met. Not a sourpuss in the bunch! He gave us Uncle June's phone number, so we gave him a call.

His good will and humor came across the phone just talking to him, and he had some things to tell us about himself:

Yeah, we been playin' for quite a few years. Played all kinds of events, even had a bar mitzvah scheduled once, but they cancelled! Man, The Burgoo Boys like they been playin' with us fer years! Hit it right off, blended good. They like all the oddball instruments my guys can play. You name it, these guys done played it! We're lookin' forward to playin' with The Boys lots more. They told us we could prolly get a contract from ya'll on our own, but nah, we'll stick with The Boys. They's recorded before, got more experience. Truth be told, me and my boys don't want the bother of it all. We jest wanna play! 'Sides, lot of the guys got other jobs, good payin' one too, hard to come by this day and age in this here part of the country, so this is jest a sideline for 'em. 

Uncle June

As fer myself, hell I'm not only REtired, I'm STILL tired! Don't let my looks fool ya, I'm older than I look! As for the 'Possum Livin' Skills song, I been mullin' that over in my head fer quite a spell. Seen lots of 'possums 'round these parts, and got to thinkin' how they get along so well, some of them in town to boot. 'Possums just adapted to modern times I reckon. The music was a group effort fer sure. Our trombone player, 'Boner' Stewart came up with the trombone parts and brought some of his other 'bone buddies and a tuba blower also to help out. The guy's been playin' the 'bone for longer than I know, and he's real good! Course gotta have the washtub bass and washboard for the bottom of the song! Gotta tell ya, at the recording, I thunk up the last line of the song I'd rather be well fed and alive than purty and dead, on the spot. When I said it at the end, we also spoiled the recording because my guys started crackin' up!  That and when I said the word 'omnivore' the first few takes, the band cracked up too. They didn't kn ow what it meant, jest thought it sounded funny and too hifalutin for a song we was recording! That's the only trouble we got with recording; we have so much fun playin' t'gether, we crack up and cain't keep goin'. Come to a dead stop gigglin' and carryin' on!

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya'll can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

'Possum plays dead, but not all the time
Sometimes he just saunters off
Other times he'll hiss like a snake
Sometimes stand his ground get pissed off!

So pick your battles carefully
Sometimes jest puff up say no!
Others raise up your hackles
Others ya just gotta let go

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya'll can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

When persimmon trees are in fruit
The 'possum gets his belly full
On a branch, feedin' hisself
Enjoyin' ever sweet mouthful!

Find out what your persimmons are
Oh yeah, seek it and ya'll will find
Find what gives ya satisfaction
Gives ya a sense of peace of mind

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

Live on the cheap you'll be surprised
How little can keep ya alive
Not always, but when ya have to
Keep an even keel to survive

We all need money to get by on
But don't be gettin' the notion
To work your ass off wreck your health
To try and make a big fortune

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

Don't neglect the dark of night
Ol' 'possum is a night critter
On a clear night go outside
Get a chair be a night sitter

Darker the night, the better
Light can be a distraction
Let your mind go, have a think
Take peace in your inaction

But thar's somethin' ya needs to know
Ol' 'possum is an omnivore
Nice way of sayin' he eats anything...
I wouldn't do that...OH NO!

Times is hard for a lot of us
Been that way through history
Maybe 'possum livin' skills
Can help keep ya happy and free!

'Possum livin' skills
Oh yeah!
'Possum livin' skills
Ugly ol' 'possum
Knows where it's at!
He be ugly, but he don't starve

I'd rather be well fed and alive than purty and dead. 

The Nude Polka Kings - Pigs In A Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings make the rounds of the nudist camps in  the summer, and yes, they perform in the nude like their name implies. They also tour in the winter, but with clothes on for obvious reasons. There's only one nudist Polka Dance Hall in the country, and they run it! It's kind of strange, but not if your a nudist ands love to dance the polka!

This song was suggested by one of our more obscure associates (no names please!). The Polka Kings are more limited in their repertoire, and no matter how clever it is, Pigs In The Polka probably won't make them an  overnight sensation. We here at GR50 Records thought it was clever anyway, if a little offbeat. Pigs in a polka? Who would have ever thought?

I've seen pigs in a blanket, Seen pigs in a sty, 

Seen pigs out in space, heard pigs squeal and cry. 

Seen food made from them, at the butcher shop 

But pigs in a polka? When will it ever stop? 

 

 Pigs in a polka, a sight so odd 

Pigs in a polka, with big fat bods,

 A porcine nightmare, I hope I never see, 

Pigs in a polka, seems so weird to me. 

 

Who ever thought of it, surely makes no sense. 

Nothing against pigs, but I think they're too dense. 

They can't play music, and they sure can't dance. 

So why pigs in a polka, and take a chance! 

 

Pigs in a polka, with rolls of fat! 

Pigs in a polka, ain't where it's at! 

A piggy hell, to haunt eternally, 

Should not be a pigs destiny! 

 

 I hear them oink I hear them squeal. 

Hear them make a fuss, over not a big deal. 

So what good are they, on the dance floor! 

With mamas and their piglets, and a big, fat boar! 

 

Pigs in a polka, they dance before my eyes! 

Pigs in a polka, it wasn't very wise! 

Such a piggy mess, don't step in it! 

 Pigs in a polka, don't care where they shit! 

 

I hear them raise the roof I hear them run everywhere, 

See them roll around in mud, get it caked in their hair

 Imagine dancing, sliding each which ways 

The polka and mazurka and the polonaise! 

 

Pigs in a polka, the grunting hurts my ears! 

Pigs in a polka, fills me with fears! 

Such sloppy things, no manners too! 

 Pigs in a polka, do what pigs do! 

 

 Is it all a rumor, or is it for real? 

Are the pigs of this world really out to steal, 

The polka from us all, I don't know why they would. 

They should for get about it, Stay in the sty where they should! 

 

 Pigs in a polka, they taste mighty good to me! 

Pigs in a polka, that's how it should be! 

I know it's a morbid fate, 

But they belong on my plate! 

 

As Bacon, chops, tenderloin, roast, sausage, anything but in a polka!