Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Number Twenty Two

Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears again! This time he thinks he’s found the ultimate winning hand in Carson City, Nevada. After trying his luck as a professional gambler he realized the cards weren't breaking his way, so he pivots to a new strategy: romance.

Enter a wealthy, elderly widow. Chuck figures he’ll sweep her off her feet, tie the knot, and comfortably settle in as the sole heir to her massive fortune. It seems like the perfect, effortless retirement plan... until a buddy pulls him aside and drops a bombshell about his bride-to-be's actual intentions! Turns out, she's got a "doin' away" method she uses with her suitors, and Chuck's life might just slip away if he stays. Realizing he's completely outmatched, Chuck decides to skip the confrontation, gather up his gear, saddle up his horse, and hit the trail before the wedding bells can toll.

We'll give this guy credit for his resilience and trying all kinds of ways to make a living. Trouble is that so often his money making ideas are either undermined by his own actions, or the ideas were like Ralph Kramden-like; not the best ideas that were doomed to failure no matter what he did! What will be next? We here at GR50 Records await with bated breath!

Howdy!
This be Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
I bet ya’ll didn’t know I were a professional 
Gambler in the boom town of..
Carson City, Nevada!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Playin’ cards day and night ain’t at all an easy way
Hard to git any sleep and it don’t always pay
Found me ‘nother tactic to earn me a livin’
With a widow woman try to make me a killin’
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Saggy of chest and chonky of hip
Droopy of eye, hair like the snow
But I loved her, even all of that’s so
 
We’d take a buggy ride away out the town
Got her to bill and coo make some other sounds
She pledged her love to me and I called her honey
‘Twernt much to look at but she had gobs a money!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Hair on her chin, and post nasal drip
Feet that were crooked, and ass that t’were lumpy
I loved her, but damn she was so grumpy!
 
Planned to git hitched and all cuz she cain’t live too long
I’d git all her money to hep me git along
But one of my buddies took me aside one night
Tol’ me don’t marry her, git her out of yer sight
 
He tol’ me after ya’ll git hitched
And she says yes to be yer wife
She’ll insist you take out a policy
That will cover yer life
And by the time she’s all done with you…
You’ll be dead husband number twenty two!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Marry this bitch, my life's gonna slip
Fingers all gnarly toe nails yeller too
She's got plans a doin' way with you!
 
Sat and wondered what in the world to do
Should I confront her say to hell with you
But in the end I decided like I do of course
To gather up ma shit and saddle up ma horse!
 
I reckoned if she done kilt 21 husbands
she knowed what she were doin' !
I'm a no account, low life bastard 
but I ain't no match fer
 a consarn dad blamed poor excuse
 for an old woman that don't play fair! 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Bulgin' Tough Muscles

 
Chuck Wagon Calhoun continues his traipsing around the old west, this time as, of all things, a blacksmith with Bulgin' Tough Muscles in the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood began as a group of squatters that illegally squatted on the land that had been guaranteed ownership of the Black Hills in 1868 to the Lakota People. Lawsuits, some going as high as The Supreme Court ensued, but things took a turn after George Armstrong Custer was ordered to lead an expedition into the area, and in 1874 there was an announcement declaring gold had been found. By 1876 there were 12,000 people in the town and it was known for its lawlessness, murder, gambling, prostitution, and about every other kind of human bad habit. 

The pimp mentioned in the song is Al Swearengen, a man that operated the opium trade in town (there were Chinese immigrants in the town that had connections to get it) as well as a saloon called The Gem Theater. He had his fingers in most all the illegal activity in town, and stayed there until 1899. Sheriff Bullock mentioned in the song was a Canadian/American born in Ontario, Canada in 1849. He was a business owner, politician, Sheriff, and U.S. Marshall. He had to leave Canada to avoid prosecution when he was a County Treasurer and funds were found to be missing. So like many lawmen  of the old west, he spent his time on the other side of the law. 

Under the spreadin’ Chestnut tree
Stood the village smithy… it was me!
Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun and I’ve
Got a story to tell ya ‘bout a town ya might
Have heerd of…
DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
When I were young I apprenticed
At a blacksmith shop in Deadwood
Took me a while to get the hang
Of poundin’ the anvil like I should
 
After a lotta hammerin’
Poundin’ red hot steel inta shape
My muscles growed big and hard
Shore did me good in a few scrapes
 
Because I sure had
Bulgin’ tough muscles in ma arms
Bulgin’ hard muscles in ma face
Glistnin’ hard muscles in ma legs
Ripplin’ rough muscles ever place!
 
I put in long hard days and nights
Workin’ and sculptin’ red hot iron
Inta what ya could use, like horse shoes
Griddles, wagon parts and flat irons
 
After work I’d go git some grub
And have a few dranks with ma pals
Did a little gamblin’ as well
But never had to pay fer no gals!
 
Because I sure had
Rock hard tough muscles in my ass
Even had muscles in my spit!
Impressive muscles ever where
EVEN HAD MUSCLES IN MY SHIT!
 
Ladies would always foller me
Like they’s all my puppy dogs
They like to feel all my muscles
Keep me out ‘til the mornin’ fog
 
Then a pimp named Al Swearengen
Owned The Gem Theater saloon
Tried to frame me for a murder
That were done by one a his goons
 
Sheriff Bullock was in on it
He swore they had me dead to rights
Vigilantes fixin’ to hang me
In the middle of the night!
 
They had me in jail gettin’ ready
To gimme a noose neck tie
I bent the jail bars with ma muscles
And spit in Sheriff Bullocks eye!
 
So guess what I done…
Used ma strong arms to escape
Saddled up ma horse rode away
Held the horse reins in ma strong hands
I SHORE AS HELL COULDN’T STAY!
 
Them crooks in Deadwood hated my ass
‘Specially the pimps!
Never made no money off me back then!
Didn’t have to spend no money on women…
Women spend money on ME!
Fight over me, squabble and pull out each other’s hir…
I used to tell em’…
JEST LINE UP, WAIT YER TURN!
THE MUSCLE MAN’S GOT ENOUGH
FER ALL OF YA!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Thar's Gold In Them Thar Hills!

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun sings his latest about seeking his fortune by prospecting for gold. He's not
prospected before, but he knows what he needs to do it. A grubstake, pick and shovel...and a mule to do the heavy work. So he finds a prospector that made his fortune and no longer needed his mule named Euripides. So he made a good price to Chuck Wagon, bought him and headed up to the mountains. As with all of Chuck Wagon's endeavors, he loses interest and moved on to his next adventure...after he sells Euripides...Rip as Chuck Wagon calls him! So what adventure and profession awaits our tall tale teller? Stay tuned and find out! 

Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun.
I’m fixin’ to jack ma jaw at ya ‘bout
The time I deserted the world and went prospectin’…
FER THAT YELLER STUFF WE GO NUTS OVER!!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
Had ‘nough of gittin’ my ass shot at and beat
So I heerd ‘bout some dudes stakin’ claims
Way up in the hills findin’ gold nuggets big
So I sold all my stuff and went to do the same
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Nuggets found as big as a chicken egg
Got me a grub stake and a pick an a shovel
Now all I need’s a mule, then stretch ma legs!
 
Now I done worked with mules afore now.
Git a good one, they help out a lot
Git a bad one, all they do is eat and shit
Best save yer money with a pistol shot…
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Found me a miner that done struck it rich
Didn’t have no need fer a mule no more
He said he were a good worker…(lying sum a bitch!)
 
Couldn’t believe when he tol’ me the mules name
He called the ol’ mule Euripides
What the hell kind a name fer a mule is that?
Some ol’ Greek dude what wrote tragedies?
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, said the ol’ timer
Best keep callin’him the same name
If ya change it, he prolly won’t answer
He’s a good boy, will mind ye, and tame!
 
So I tried to shorten his name to Rip
I hollered it and to my side he did trip
So we gathered ourselves and got on the trail
And he follered me long side my hip
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, but whar’s it at?
Me and Rip fer a month searched for mother lode
My back was a achin’, my knees were a shakin’!
Went further and further down the road
 
Now it seems the further we traveled
I were carryin’ more of the weight
Ol’ Rip was a lolligaggin’
He best shape up, git goin’ straight!
 
Thar’s gold in them that hills, OH YEAH?
My ass is sorely draggin’
Ol’ Rip wants to sit under the shade tree
His part of the deal shore is flaggin’
 
Come to a head one damned hot sultry day
The sun beatin’ down on my brow
Ol’ Rip sittin’ in the shade of a tree
My patience really snapped somehow
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, ya goddam mule!
No mo gonna give ya a pass
I picked up a big ol’ tree limb
And was fixin’ to beat his ass!
 
He looked at me with his big brown eyes
As I was fixin’ to give him a whallop
Brayed a couple times like he t’were laughin’
And suddenly he grunted and sprang up
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, he seemed to say
But it shore ain’t worth all of this trouble
He walked ovah to me, nuzzled ma hand
I dropped the big club on the double
 
[Spoken word]
It took that stubborn old mule to make me see the error of my ways.
What the hell good is gold if you're all cobbled up from findin' it?
So I sat with him in the shade of the tree,
Scratched him under the chin like he liked,
Vowed to quit prospectin', and then told old Rip I thanked him-
Then I sold that goddamn stubborn no good
Consarned lazy fuckin' mule!
And I told the dumbass what bought him he's a good worker!

The Life And Times Of Chuck Wagon Calhoun

  

A new artist here at GR50 Records! Chuck Wagon Calhoun! in his debut album of five of his best songs. Yee haw! Hold on to yer hats for a story teller of the first rank! 

His 1st song is about when he used to work as a chuck wagon cook for a cattle round up, one of his many jobs, and presumably the job he got his name from. The song tells of his trials with an old, stubborn mule named Ol' Tom!

Ol' Tom

Howdy!

My name’s Chuck wagon Calhoun

I'm the last of my kind Ah got a story to tell ya’ll So unplug yer ears, if yer so kind... There's still cattle roundups goin' on Even in this here day and age Kind of old timey, I’ll grant ye From an ol’ history page Them ‘pokes what steal ride the range Gotta have all of them’s vittles So that’s where I enter the scene But I ain’t no lickspittle! ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Got a mule pulls the wagon He’s ol’, and feisty, and crusty The wagon’s older than hell too With wheel axles all rusty So it ain’t easy fer ol' Tom To keep up with the herd And it makes me all kind of anxious Makes me say a harsh word ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Well, ol’ Tom got a wild hair Was pullin' the wagon too fast No matter how hard I reined him To the next night stop he past He got that there rusty ol’ wagon Movin’ at a right rapid pace Wheels hit a gopher hole hard Throwed me all out on my face

Now them pokes ain’t had no supper Sangin’ songs ‘bout stringin’ me up Cain’t find that goddam mule nowhere And they’s got empty guts and cups! Mercy me! Where in hell's that Tom! Goddammit! All them cowboys grumbling' Cuz of their empty belly Made my knees shiver and quake Was nervous as hell, oh nelly! But jest 'bout to give it up Lookin' fer that goddam mule He come lopin' 'round the bend Started brayin' like a fool! Wagon still hooked on him Nothin' tall got spilt! So it twern't long time at all before... ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes played their guitars they brang Raised their butt cheeks and then farted In tam with the music they sang

Escape From Dodge City

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners! 

And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with  him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?

Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
 
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there  I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
 
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me  so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
 
 “Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
 
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
 
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
 
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
 
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said  ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said  “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
 
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
 
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
 
Jumped out  the winder  didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
 
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
 His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
 I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"

Workin' At The Rattlesnake Saloon

The latest from our resident spinner of tall tales, fabrications, imaginative truth-stretching and other fancy words and phrases for BULLSHIT! This song is about his first job back in the old west when he worked in The Rattlesnake Saloon (location not disclosed) cleaning and polishing spittoons. Then one night, when the chorus line was short a girl, his boss drafted him to be in it! A teenaged boy doesn't really look like a chorus girl, especially in the old west, a time when  chorus line women that didn't work for the bigger saloons in the larger cities were also 'soiled doves'! But Chuck Wagon assures us when he was young he was "downright pretty," and the women put make-up on his face as well as lace stockings, a dress, and "frilly under drawers!"

As is usual many times in his songs, things turn nasty, and he has to make a hasty retreat from town after he messes up the face of a drunken cowboy that put a hand up his dress. And at the end of the song, Chuck Wagon tells how the experience made him appreciate women, as well as...well...listen and read for yerselves! Yee Haw Ya'll!

My legs was pretty back then
Smooth with no hair on 'em
Now they's bowlegged and all
Back then they was straight and slim
 
Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun, and I
Got a tale to tell 'bout when I was young
And downright pretty!

Spittoon

YEE HAW YA'LL!
 
First job I had when I were young
Was at the Rattlesnake Saloon
Had to clean out and then polish
All of them there brass spittoons
 
One day the boss waved me over
Hell ya'll don't even shave yet!
Face as soft as a baby's ass
Girls'll take care of ya don't fret!
 
They was short a girl the dance line
All they needed was one more
I felt kind a sheepish indeed
DIDN'T WANNA BE NO WHORE!
 
They put net stockings on ma legs
Lipstick and rouge on ma pan
Put me in frilly under drawers
Said the dance was the Can can
 
The boss done tol' me “Don't worry
Take yer place smack in the middle
Jest kick up yer legs with the rest
When ya hear piano and fiddle”
 
 I was prancin' along real good
Dancin' with all of the rest
They all turned 'round bent over
AND ALL THEM THROWED UP THEIR DRESS!
 
Tol' the boss to hell with you!
Ain't gonna show my ass hell no!
He said “Now jest you hold yer horse
Don't ya know what ya got in store?
 
“Them gals gonna treat you right good
They'll show ya all of the ropes
Can be with them when they's naked
Gettin' ready, don't be a dope!”
 
Things went well, pokes liked me fine
Thought I were a real young skirt
Boss even let me sang some songs
Then pokes got to winkin' and flirt
 
One a them drunken cowboys
Done put their hand up my dress
Gall dang, I lost my temper!
And really messed up his face!
 
Don't care what ya'll got a hankerin fer
Jest don't try it with me, sum bitch
I twern't THAT dad burned pretty
He were that goddam drunk
Boss fired me.... Gals shunned me...
But it done taught me to appreciate naked gals...
And give me a hankerin’ to wear frilly under drawers...
Like I got on right now! 

Tijuaner, Mexico!

We are still in the dark about who this Chuck Wagon Calhoun character is, but his songs are a hoot. Now, he's teamed up with our Mariachi artists Un Grupo de Mexicali in this bit of typical Calhoun tall tale telling. And that's all we know. Un Grupo gave us no clue, and of course Calhoun's lips are sealed about who he is. Un Grupo obviously struck up a good relationship with Calhoun as their part in this song is up to their usually high standards. But we don't know if Chuck Wagon went to Mexico, as Un Grupo have vowed to stay out of the U.S. due to the current political climate, or if Un Grupo were in the states unbeknownst. In any case, the song is up to both the artists standards!

HOLA!
This here's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Got a story to tell ye 'bout when I had to
Leave the great state of California
In a....well....right big hurry....
And what happened when I went south to
TIJUANER, MEXICO!
YEE HAW! YA'LL!
 
I rode like hell and made it,
Way down south of the border
And escape some situations
That were a right big disorder
Rode  in the town of Tijuaner and met
Me some real live bandeeters...
And bought them tequiler in the canteener,
That's where I seen the senioriter...
 
She were dancin',  playin' them clackity clack bits!
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a clackin', with the hombres yakkin'
Dress raisin', showin' her under paints gave me fits!
 
One a them thar bandeeters, wearin' a bandelaro,
All raggedly dressed, an' wearin' a great big sombrero...
Noticed me makin' googly eyes and said to me  "Hey Meester!"
Jew like what jew see,  pay me, jew can have my seester!"...
 
She kept dancin' , clickin' them clackity clack bits
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a winkin'  all the hombres drinkin'...
Dress raised  higher , drivin' me  out ma wits!
 
I fer shore fancied her, so I asked him how much it cost?
He said, "I like you, only 22 pesos and you  be boss!
Her name is Sally, take her to  back alley
Best young woman you ever come across!
 
She kept on dancin' ,  I gave him the money
He brought her back , she were callin' me honey
Her brother yelled and swore, she led me out the door
And the others began to laugh...what were so funny?
 
Went out to the  alley and she started kissin' on me
She were firm and young, and really a might pretty!
I was unawares, but then started seein' stars!
And then they was nothing else left to see...
 
Don't know how long it t'wer, I laid out in the sand
Face next to a cow turd, cactus near to  hand
Ma head full of bumps, ma skin covered in lumps
Staggered to ma feet, couldn't hardly stand
 
Finally some federales came ridin' out to help me,
Were 'bout daid, pain ma haid, eyes all red,
Helped me on a horse, gave me food and water
Tol' me "No vuelvas Americano PENDEJO!"
 
Took me a long time to git healed from that.
I vowed I'd swear off women!
Damn, all ma troubles seem to happen
When I git hooked up with one of 'em!
And I really did. ..Swear off 'em...
FER ' BOUT 2 DAYS!
HAHAHA!

Truth Keeps Right On A Shrinkin'

Chuck Wagon Calhoun tackles the rumors that he doesn't exactly tell the truth. and in true Chuck Wagon style, he doesn't really tell the truth but doesn't admit it! If that makes any sense to you, see what you can make out the lyrics to this song!

Howdy!
Ma names Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I need to sang a song I wrote
‘bout somethin’ that makes me sad…
NOT!...
YEE HAW, YA’LL!

I was born in a cloud of dust, or maybe jest a cloudy fart,
Maw said I came out purty, Paw said I ‘twern’t so smart
I’ve told many a story since then, but I swear I never done lied
Jest the facts sure get ever smaller whenever I even try

Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, jest like a turd in the sun
Awful disappointin’ like a wienie too small fer a Hon
I tells it how I sees it, through my cloudy, jaundiced eye
Folks say I spout bullshit, and I don’t even have to try!

I once wrassled a grizzle bear, or maybe it were a puppy,
I hooked a blue bellied whale, or maybe ‘twere jest a guppy
Whatever it was had the spirit of a monster ugly and big,
And it could git even bigger, if I takes me 'nother swig
.
Like a shirt left in the dryer, truth keeps right on a shrinkin’
Like a skunk layin’ dead on the ground that keeps right on a stinkin’
Ain’t tryin’ to fool nobody, hah, though the facts be shriveled up
Folks say I spout bullshit! I wish they’d jest shut up!

Maybe it’s the heat wave, maybe the boogers in my nose
Might be the rumblin’s in my gut that grows and grows and grows
Ever time I swear I’ve got the truth by the balls
It slips right out ma fingers, and the truth starts to fall

I’ve loved a dozen women, whoa, well, maybe it was only three,
They was all real dandy lookers, or maybe I want it to be
They all gave me good lovin’, I swear by my sore dong
We done did it ever night, sometimes all night long!

Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, like piss in a hot tin cup
Disappears and is replaced with stories all gussied up
I jest tells it how I sees it, so I might not git it right
Folks say I spout bullshit, and it makes me wanna fight!

What the hell, ever body lies! Jest a matter of degree.
So to all the high and mighty, who think they spout the truth…
I say BULLSHIT!