A new artist here at GR50 Records! Chuck Wagon Calhoun! in his debut album of five of his best songs. Yee haw! Hold on to yer hats for a story teller of the first rank!
His 1st song is about when he used to work as a chuck wagon cook for a cattle round up, one of his many jobs, and presumably the job he got his name from. The song tells of his trials with an old, stubborn mule named Ol' Tom!
Ol' Tom
Howdy!
My name’s Chuck wagon Calhoun
I'm the last of my kind
Ah got a story to tell ya’ll
So unplug yer ears, if yer so kind...
There's still cattle roundups goin' on
Even in this here day and age
Kind of old timey, I’ll grant ye
From an ol’ history page
Them ‘pokes what steal ride the range
Gotta have all of them’s vittles
So that’s where I enter the scene
But I ain’t no lickspittle!
‘Round the far after supper
The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang
Raise their butt cheeks and then fart
In tam with the music they sang
Got a mule pulls the wagon
He’s ol’, and feisty, and crusty
The wagon’s older than hell too
With wheel axles all rusty
So it ain’t easy fer ol' Tom
To keep up with the herd
And it makes me all kind of anxious
Makes me say a harsh word
‘Round the far after supper
The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang
Raise their butt cheeks and then fart
In tam with the music they sang
Well, ol’ Tom got a wild hair
Was pullin' the wagon too fast
No matter how hard I reined him
To the next night stop he past
He got that there rusty ol’ wagon
Movin’ at a right rapid pace
Wheels hit a gopher hole hard
Throwed me all out on my faceNow them pokes ain’t had no supper
Sangin’ songs ‘bout stringin’ me up
Cain’t find that goddam mule nowhere
And they’s got empty guts and cups!
Mercy me! Where in hell's that Tom!
Goddammit!
All them cowboys grumbling'
Cuz of their empty belly
Made my knees shiver and quake
Was nervous as hell, oh nelly!
But jest 'bout to give it up
Lookin' fer that goddam mule
He come lopin' 'round the bend
Started brayin' like a fool!
Wagon still hooked on him
Nothin' tall got spilt!
So it twern't long time at all before...
‘Round the far after supper
The ‘pokes played their guitars they brang
Raised their butt cheeks and then farted
In tam with the music they sang
Escape From Dodge City
Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners!
And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?
Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
“Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
Jumped out the winder didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
“Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
Jumped out the winder didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"
Workin' At The Rattlesnake Saloon
The latest from our resident spinner of tall tales, fabrications, imaginative truth-stretching and other fancy words and phrases for BULLSHIT! This song is about his first job back in the old west when he worked in The Rattlesnake Saloon (location not disclosed) cleaning and polishing spittoons. Then one night, when the chorus line was short a girl, his boss drafted him to be in it! A teenaged boy doesn't really look like a chorus girl, especially in the old west, a time when chorus line women that didn't work for the bigger saloons in the larger cities were also 'soiled doves'! But Chuck Wagon assures us when he was young he was "downright pretty," and the women put make-up on his face as well as lace stockings, a dress, and "frilly under drawers!"
I was born in a cloud of dust, or maybe jest a cloudy fart,
Maw said I came out purty, Paw said I ‘twern’t so smart
I’ve told many a story since then, but I swear I never done lied
Jest the facts sure get ever smaller whenever I even try
Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, jest like a turd in the sun
Awful disappointin’ like a wienie too small fer a Hon
I tells it how I sees it, through my cloudy, jaundiced eye
Folks say I spout bullshit, and I don’t even have to try!
I once wrassled a grizzle bear, or maybe it were a puppy,
I hooked a blue bellied whale, or maybe ‘twere jest a guppy
Whatever it was had the spirit of a monster ugly and big,
And it could git even bigger, if I takes me 'nother swig
.
Like a shirt left in the dryer, truth keeps right on a shrinkin’
Like a skunk layin’ dead on the ground that keeps right on a stinkin’
Ain’t tryin’ to fool nobody, hah, though the facts be shriveled up
Folks say I spout bullshit! I wish they’d jest shut up!
Maybe it’s the heat wave, maybe the boogers in my nose
Might be the rumblin’s in my gut that grows and grows and grows
Ever time I swear I’ve got the truth by the balls
It slips right out ma fingers, and the truth starts to fall
I’ve loved a dozen women, whoa, well, maybe it was only three,
They was all real dandy lookers, or maybe I want it to be
They all gave me good lovin’, I swear by my sore dong
We done did it ever night, sometimes all night long!
Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, like piss in a hot tin cup
Disappears and is replaced with stories all gussied up
I jest tells it how I sees it, so I might not git it right
Folks say I spout bullshit, and it makes me wanna fight!
What the hell, ever body lies! Jest a matter of degree.
So to all the high and mighty, who think they spout the truth…
I say BULLSHIT!
As is usual many times in his songs, things turn nasty, and he has to make a hasty retreat from town after he messes up the face of a drunken cowboy that put a hand up his dress. And at the end of the song, Chuck Wagon tells how the experience made him appreciate women, as well as...well...listen and read for yerselves! Yee Haw Ya'll!
My legs was pretty back then
Smooth with no hair on 'em
Now they's bowlegged and all
Back then they was straight and slim
Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun, and I
Got a tale to tell 'bout when I was young
And downright pretty!
YEE HAW YA'LL!
First job I had when I were young
Was at the Rattlesnake Saloon
Had to clean out and then polish
All of them there brass spittoons
One day the boss waved me over
Hell ya'll don't even shave yet!
Face as soft as a baby's ass
Girls'll take care of ya don't fret!
They was short a girl the dance line
All they needed was one more
I felt kind a sheepish indeed
DIDN'T WANNA BE NO WHORE!
They put net stockings on ma legs
Lipstick and rouge on ma pan
Put me in frilly under drawers
Said the dance was the Can can
The boss done tol' me “Don't worry
Take yer place smack in the middle
Jest kick up yer legs with the rest
When ya hear piano and fiddle”
I was prancin' along real good
Dancin' with all of the rest
They all turned 'round bent over
AND ALL THEM THROWED UP THEIR DRESS!
Tol' the boss to hell with you!
Ain't gonna show my ass hell no!
He said “Now jest you hold yer horse
Don't ya know what ya got in store?
“Them gals gonna treat you right good
They'll show ya all of the ropes
Can be with them when they's naked
Gettin' ready, don't be a dope!”
Things went well, pokes liked me fine
Thought I were a real young skirt
Boss even let me sang some songs
Then pokes got to winkin' and flirt
One a them drunken cowboys
Done put their hand up my dress
Gall dang, I lost my temper!
And really messed up his face!
Don't care what ya'll got a hankerin fer
Jest don't try it with me, sum bitch
I twern't THAT dad burned pretty
He were that goddam drunk
Boss fired me.... Gals shunned me...
But it done taught me to appreciate naked gals...
And give me a hankerin’ to wear frilly under drawers...
Like I got on right now!
Smooth with no hair on 'em
Now they's bowlegged and all
Back then they was straight and slim
Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun, and I
Got a tale to tell 'bout when I was young
And downright pretty!
 |
| Spittoon |
YEE HAW YA'LL!
First job I had when I were young
Was at the Rattlesnake Saloon
Had to clean out and then polish
All of them there brass spittoons
One day the boss waved me over
Hell ya'll don't even shave yet!
Face as soft as a baby's ass
Girls'll take care of ya don't fret!
They was short a girl the dance line
All they needed was one more
I felt kind a sheepish indeed
DIDN'T WANNA BE NO WHORE!
They put net stockings on ma legs
Lipstick and rouge on ma pan
Put me in frilly under drawers
Said the dance was the Can can
The boss done tol' me “Don't worry
Take yer place smack in the middle
Jest kick up yer legs with the rest
When ya hear piano and fiddle”
I was prancin' along real good
Dancin' with all of the rest
They all turned 'round bent over
AND ALL THEM THROWED UP THEIR DRESS!
Tol' the boss to hell with you!
Ain't gonna show my ass hell no!
He said “Now jest you hold yer horse
Don't ya know what ya got in store?
“Them gals gonna treat you right good
They'll show ya all of the ropes
Can be with them when they's naked
Gettin' ready, don't be a dope!”
Things went well, pokes liked me fine
Thought I were a real young skirt
Boss even let me sang some songs
Then pokes got to winkin' and flirt
One a them drunken cowboys
Done put their hand up my dress
Gall dang, I lost my temper!
And really messed up his face!
Don't care what ya'll got a hankerin fer
Jest don't try it with me, sum bitch
I twern't THAT dad burned pretty
He were that goddam drunk
Boss fired me.... Gals shunned me...
But it done taught me to appreciate naked gals...
And give me a hankerin’ to wear frilly under drawers...
Like I got on right now!
Tijuaner, Mexico!
We are still in the dark about who this Chuck Wagon Calhoun character is, but his songs are a hoot. Now, he's teamed up with our Mariachi artists Un Grupo de Mexicali in this bit of typical Calhoun tall tale telling. And that's all we know. Un Grupo gave us no clue, and of course Calhoun's lips are sealed about who he is. Un Grupo obviously struck up a good relationship with Calhoun as their part in this song is up to their usually high standards. But we don't know if Chuck Wagon went to Mexico, as Un Grupo have vowed to stay out of the U.S. due to the current political climate, or if Un Grupo were in the states unbeknownst. In any case, the song is up to both the artists standards!
HOLA!
This here's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Got a story to tell ye 'bout when I had to
Leave the great state of California
In a....well....right big hurry....
And what happened when I went south to
TIJUANER, MEXICO!
YEE HAW! YA'LL!
I rode like hell and made it,
Way down south of the border
And escape some situations
That were a right big disorder
Rode in the town of Tijuaner and met
Me some real live bandeeters...
And bought them tequiler in the canteener,
That's where I seen the senioriter...
She were dancin', playin' them clackity clack bits!
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a clackin', with the hombres yakkin'
Dress raisin', showin' her under paints gave me fits!
One a them thar bandeeters, wearin' a bandelaro,
All raggedly dressed, an' wearin' a great big sombrero...
Noticed me makin' googly eyes and said to me "Hey Meester!"
Jew like what jew see, pay me, jew can have my seester!"...
She kept dancin' , clickin' them clackity clack bits
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a winkin' all the hombres drinkin'...
Dress raised higher , drivin' me out ma wits!
I fer shore fancied her, so I asked him how much it cost?
He said, "I like you, only 22 pesos and you be boss!
Her name is Sally, take her to back alley
Best young woman you ever come across!
She kept on dancin' , I gave him the money
He brought her back , she were callin' me honey
Her brother yelled and swore, she led me out the door
And the others began to laugh...what were so funny?
Went out to the alley and she started kissin' on me
She were firm and young, and really a might pretty!
I was unawares, but then started seein' stars!
And then they was nothing else left to see...
Don't know how long it t'wer, I laid out in the sand
Face next to a cow turd, cactus near to hand
Ma head full of bumps, ma skin covered in lumps
Staggered to ma feet, couldn't hardly stand
Finally some federales came ridin' out to help me,
Were 'bout daid, pain ma haid, eyes all red,
Helped me on a horse, gave me food and water
Tol' me "No vuelvas Americano PENDEJO!"
Took me a long time to git healed from that.
I vowed I'd swear off women!
Damn, all ma troubles seem to happen
When I git hooked up with one of 'em!
And I really did. ..Swear off 'em...
FER ' BOUT 2 DAYS!
HAHAHA!
This here's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Got a story to tell ye 'bout when I had to
Leave the great state of California
In a....well....right big hurry....
And what happened when I went south to
TIJUANER, MEXICO!
YEE HAW! YA'LL!
I rode like hell and made it,
Way down south of the border
And escape some situations
That were a right big disorder
Rode in the town of Tijuaner and met
Me some real live bandeeters...
And bought them tequiler in the canteener,
That's where I seen the senioriter...
She were dancin', playin' them clackity clack bits!
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a clackin', with the hombres yakkin'
Dress raisin', showin' her under paints gave me fits!
One a them thar bandeeters, wearin' a bandelaro,
All raggedly dressed, an' wearin' a great big sombrero...
Noticed me makin' googly eyes and said to me "Hey Meester!"
Jew like what jew see, pay me, jew can have my seester!"...
She kept dancin' , clickin' them clackity clack bits
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a winkin' all the hombres drinkin'...
Dress raised higher , drivin' me out ma wits!
I fer shore fancied her, so I asked him how much it cost?
He said, "I like you, only 22 pesos and you be boss!
Her name is Sally, take her to back alley
Best young woman you ever come across!
She kept on dancin' , I gave him the money
He brought her back , she were callin' me honey
Her brother yelled and swore, she led me out the door
And the others began to laugh...what were so funny?
Went out to the alley and she started kissin' on me
She were firm and young, and really a might pretty!
I was unawares, but then started seein' stars!
And then they was nothing else left to see...
Don't know how long it t'wer, I laid out in the sand
Face next to a cow turd, cactus near to hand
Ma head full of bumps, ma skin covered in lumps
Staggered to ma feet, couldn't hardly stand
Finally some federales came ridin' out to help me,
Were 'bout daid, pain ma haid, eyes all red,
Helped me on a horse, gave me food and water
Tol' me "No vuelvas Americano PENDEJO!"
Took me a long time to git healed from that.
I vowed I'd swear off women!
Damn, all ma troubles seem to happen
When I git hooked up with one of 'em!
And I really did. ..Swear off 'em...
FER ' BOUT 2 DAYS!
HAHAHA!
Truth Keeps Right On A Shrinkin'
Chuck Wagon Calhoun tackles the rumors that he doesn't exactly tell the truth. and in true Chuck Wagon style, he doesn't really tell the truth but doesn't admit it! If that makes any sense to you, see what you can make out the lyrics to this song!
Howdy!
Ma names Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I need to sang a song I wrote
‘bout somethin’ that makes me sad…
NOT!...
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
Ma names Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I need to sang a song I wrote
‘bout somethin’ that makes me sad…
NOT!...
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
I was born in a cloud of dust, or maybe jest a cloudy fart,
Maw said I came out purty, Paw said I ‘twern’t so smart
I’ve told many a story since then, but I swear I never done lied
Jest the facts sure get ever smaller whenever I even try
Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, jest like a turd in the sun
Awful disappointin’ like a wienie too small fer a Hon
I tells it how I sees it, through my cloudy, jaundiced eye
Folks say I spout bullshit, and I don’t even have to try!
I once wrassled a grizzle bear, or maybe it were a puppy,
I hooked a blue bellied whale, or maybe ‘twere jest a guppy
Whatever it was had the spirit of a monster ugly and big,
And it could git even bigger, if I takes me 'nother swig
.
Like a shirt left in the dryer, truth keeps right on a shrinkin’
Like a skunk layin’ dead on the ground that keeps right on a stinkin’
Ain’t tryin’ to fool nobody, hah, though the facts be shriveled up
Folks say I spout bullshit! I wish they’d jest shut up!
Maybe it’s the heat wave, maybe the boogers in my nose
Might be the rumblin’s in my gut that grows and grows and grows
Ever time I swear I’ve got the truth by the balls
It slips right out ma fingers, and the truth starts to fall
I’ve loved a dozen women, whoa, well, maybe it was only three,
They was all real dandy lookers, or maybe I want it to be
They all gave me good lovin’, I swear by my sore dong
We done did it ever night, sometimes all night long!
Truth keeps right on a shrinkin’, like piss in a hot tin cup
Disappears and is replaced with stories all gussied up
I jest tells it how I sees it, so I might not git it right
Folks say I spout bullshit, and it makes me wanna fight!
What the hell, ever body lies! Jest a matter of degree.
So to all the high and mighty, who think they spout the truth…
I say BULLSHIT!
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