Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Number Twenty Two

Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears again! This time he thinks he’s found the ultimate winning hand in Carson City, Nevada. After trying his luck as a professional gambler he realized the cards weren't breaking his way, so he pivots to a new strategy: romance.

Enter a wealthy, elderly widow. Chuck figures he’ll sweep her off her feet, tie the knot, and comfortably settle in as the sole heir to her massive fortune. It seems like the perfect, effortless retirement plan... until a buddy pulls him aside and drops a bombshell about his bride-to-be's actual intentions! Turns out, she's got a "doin' away" method she uses with her suitors, and Chuck's life might just slip away if he stays. Realizing he's completely outmatched, Chuck decides to skip the confrontation, gather up his gear, saddle up his horse, and hit the trail before the wedding bells can toll.

We'll give this guy credit for his resilience and trying all kinds of ways to make a living. Trouble is that so often his money making ideas are either undermined by his own actions, or the ideas were like Ralph Kramden-like; not the best ideas that were doomed to failure no matter what he did! What will be next? We here at GR50 Records await with bated breath!

Howdy!
This be Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
I bet ya’ll didn’t know I were a professional 
Gambler in the boom town of..
Carson City, Nevada!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Playin’ cards day and night ain’t at all an easy way
Hard to git any sleep and it don’t always pay
Found me ‘nother tactic to earn me a livin’
With a widow woman try to make me a killin’
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Saggy of chest and chonky of hip
Droopy of eye, hair like the snow
But I loved her, even all of that’s so
 
We’d take a buggy ride away out the town
Got her to bill and coo make some other sounds
She pledged her love to me and I called her honey
‘Twernt much to look at but she had gobs a money!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Hair on her chin, and post nasal drip
Feet that were crooked, and ass that t’were lumpy
I loved her, but damn she was so grumpy!
 
Planned to git hitched and all cuz she cain’t live too long
I’d git all her money to hep me git along
But one of my buddies took me aside one night
Tol’ me don’t marry her, git her out of yer sight
 
He tol’ me after ya’ll git hitched
And she says yes to be yer wife
She’ll insist you take out a policy
That will cover yer life
And by the time she’s all done with you…
You’ll be dead husband number twenty two!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Marry this bitch, my life's gonna slip
Fingers all gnarly toe nails yeller too
She's got plans a doin' way with you!
 
Sat and wondered what in the world to do
Should I confront her say to hell with you
But in the end I decided like I do of course
To gather up ma shit and saddle up ma horse!
 
I reckoned if she done kilt 21 husbands
she knowed what she were doin' !
I'm a no account, low life bastard 
but I ain't no match fer
 a consarn dad blamed poor excuse
 for an old woman that don't play fair! 

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - Kentucky Shine

 The Burgoo Boys and Uncle June's Jug Band are at it again; this  time in a song that mentions many of the things Kentucky is known for, with the main item being Kentucky Shine, or moonshine. Uncle June himself is the soloist in his unique voice.  The Boys like the variety of instruments and players Uncle June has access to, and they plan to collaborate much more in the future. 

The term moonshine was given to illegal corn whiskey that was many times made at night to try and avoid detection. There are many legal distillers of moonshine, but there is still a small group that do it on the sly illegally to avoid the costs of licenses and the expense of a distillery that is subject to state inspection and regulation. Despite some states having laws that permit a limited amount of moonshine made for personal use, there remains a federal law against it. 

Uncle June

Making moonshine can be dangerous on different levels. Straight alcohol creates vapor which is highly flammable, especially in an enclosed space and can explode, so adequate ventilation is needed. Even static electricity can ignite the vapors. Then there's toxic substances that can contaminate the alcohol. Lead can come from using the wrong items to make a still, for example. Then there's the liquid that comes directly after the initial product of the still, called the Head. It contains traces of toxic materials such as acetone and formaldehyde and should never be consumed. The byproducts of fermentation that are contained in the aftershot, or very last liquid from the still are also toxic and should not be consumed. Seems to us that there's more danger in the stuff than it's worth! After all, like Uncle June says: But if ya'll can't handle the stuff, we all wanna reassure, use it fer cleanin' car engines, makes a damn good degreaser! But make sure you do it in a well ventilated area and don't smoke! 

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

The Great State of Kentucky  
Is known for many things
Bluegrass music keeps the state
Smilin' happy as it sings

Got horses a plenty too
And the famous Derby race 
Louisville slugger baseball bats
Help the batters keep a pace

Kentucky Fried Chicken as well 
That's known around the world 
And the finest bourbon whiskey
In glasses of ice that's swirled

And don't forget the classic dish
We'll mention special stew
A really long cooked tasty bowl
Of home cooked thick Burgoo 

But there’s still one thing that's left
We wanna mention 'fore we're through
Pistol packin', wallopin'
Gullet burnin' mountain dew!

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

Home brewed in them thar hills
By bootleggers young and old
Tradition has fruit jars filled
With clear alcoholic gold

A quart'll last ya a while
But damn, take it nice and slow
A little bit'll make ya smile
But too much'll make ya crow!

Proof numbers in triple digits
Don't git it near no open flame!
Treat it right or ya'll be sorry 
Gits away it'll be hard to tame!

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

First time drinkers will think it's like
Suckin' on a fire burnin' match 
It'll scorch yer mouth, torch yer craw
In heat that'll be hard to match

But if ya'll can't handle the stuff
We all wanna reassure
Use it fer cleanin' car engines
Makes a damn good degreaser

Taint got no fancy bottle 
Or frilly label neither
Don't drink too much or it might
Knock you out like a snort of ether

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Bulgin' Tough Muscles

 
Chuck Wagon Calhoun continues his traipsing around the old west, this time as, of all things, a blacksmith with Bulgin' Tough Muscles in the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood began as a group of squatters that illegally squatted on the land that had been guaranteed ownership of the Black Hills in 1868 to the Lakota People. Lawsuits, some going as high as The Supreme Court ensued, but things took a turn after George Armstrong Custer was ordered to lead an expedition into the area, and in 1874 there was an announcement declaring gold had been found. By 1876 there were 12,000 people in the town and it was known for its lawlessness, murder, gambling, prostitution, and about every other kind of human bad habit. 

The pimp mentioned in the song is Al Swearengen, a man that operated the opium trade in town (there were Chinese immigrants in the town that had connections to get it) as well as a saloon called The Gem Theater. He had his fingers in most all the illegal activity in town, and stayed there until 1899. Sheriff Bullock mentioned in the song was a Canadian/American born in Ontario, Canada in 1849. He was a business owner, politician, Sheriff, and U.S. Marshall. He had to leave Canada to avoid prosecution when he was a County Treasurer and funds were found to be missing. So like many lawmen  of the old west, he spent his time on the other side of the law. 

Under the spreadin’ Chestnut tree
Stood the village smithy… it was me!
Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun and I’ve
Got a story to tell ya ‘bout a town ya might
Have heerd of…
DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
When I were young I apprenticed
At a blacksmith shop in Deadwood
Took me a while to get the hang
Of poundin’ the anvil like I should
 
After a lotta hammerin’
Poundin’ red hot steel inta shape
My muscles growed big and hard
Shore did me good in a few scrapes
 
Because I sure had
Bulgin’ tough muscles in ma arms
Bulgin’ hard muscles in ma face
Glistnin’ hard muscles in ma legs
Ripplin’ rough muscles ever place!
 
I put in long hard days and nights
Workin’ and sculptin’ red hot iron
Inta what ya could use, like horse shoes
Griddles, wagon parts and flat irons
 
After work I’d go git some grub
And have a few dranks with ma pals
Did a little gamblin’ as well
But never had to pay fer no gals!
 
Because I sure had
Rock hard tough muscles in my ass
Even had muscles in my spit!
Impressive muscles ever where
EVEN HAD MUSCLES IN MY SHIT!
 
Ladies would always foller me
Like they’s all my puppy dogs
They like to feel all my muscles
Keep me out ‘til the mornin’ fog
 
Then a pimp named Al Swearengen
Owned The Gem Theater saloon
Tried to frame me for a murder
That were done by one a his goons
 
Sheriff Bullock was in on it
He swore they had me dead to rights
Vigilantes fixin’ to hang me
In the middle of the night!
 
They had me in jail gettin’ ready
To gimme a noose neck tie
I bent the jail bars with ma muscles
And spit in Sheriff Bullocks eye!
 
So guess what I done…
Used ma strong arms to escape
Saddled up ma horse rode away
Held the horse reins in ma strong hands
I SHORE AS HELL COULDN’T STAY!
 
Them crooks in Deadwood hated my ass
‘Specially the pimps!
Never made no money off me back then!
Didn’t have to spend no money on women…
Women spend money on ME!
Fight over me, squabble and pull out each other’s hir…
I used to tell em’…
JEST LINE UP, WAIT YER TURN!
THE MUSCLE MAN’S GOT ENOUGH
FER ALL OF YA!

Zbig Szafranski with The Nude Polka Kings - Czernina!

He's back! Zbig Szafranski has come back to the U.S. after a visit to his homeland of Poland.  We thought that he wouldn't come back by the sound of things last time we heard a song from him. He sounded and looked terrible; overweight, forgetful, gruff and nasty personality. He had been associated with our polka group, The Nude Polka Kings, and their spokesperson told us  that they thought he'd gone back to Poland to die. But after the first of the year he came back. Ends up Poland was not to his liking, too much had changed. He looked up some relatives when there, and one of them was a rich businessman in Warsaw who took a liking to him and got him into a private hospital for a checkup. After a few weeks there, and put on a diet, he came out a new man! Medication to help with  his failing heart, and a general makeover of the rest of his health issues. The spokesman told us his attitude changed as well! Not nearly as grumpy and cantankerous, looks downright healthy for a man in his late 90's!

His new song is in  tribute to his Polish Grandmother who used to make his favorite dish for him: Czernina - Duck Blood Soup! Yes, soup made from dried fruit, vinegar, onions, garlic, pepper, salt, duck broth...and duck blood! A classic, traditional peasant soup from Poland that used all of the duck 'except the beak'. For peasants all over the world, nothing could be wasted. We hear at GR50 Records have never heard of it, let alone tasted it, but  they say it is a sweet and sour soup that if you can forget that one ingredient, tastes very good and is still popular in Poland today.

I went to Polska,
I tell you something I ate, classic dish!
Is Czernina!  Cernina! Say it! Cernina
I going to tell how to make it
BUT YOU GOING TO EAT IT ANYWAY!
 
Take onions, cut them fine
Dice dry fruit, do what I speak
You need a kacza...A DUCK! ...
A live duck!
Don't be sissy pants, use it all but beak!
 
 Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Onion, pepper and salt use too
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki! Is good for you!
 
Hold duck over bowl...CUT HIS THROAT!...
Is tradition! Don’t get sick!
Drain blood in bowl, then pluck and gut!
Simmer dead kaczki in plenty water deep
Strip off the meat, let it steep!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Vinegar then you going to use
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki!  You don’t refuse!
 
Put vinegar in bowl with blood
Don't want  blood clot get hard
Stir it up, let it sit, go back to kaczki
Filter broth, duck cut up , use DUCK LARD!
 
Put everything together, let it simmer
Not too hot, and get pierogies ready!
What?  You don’t know pierogies?  Shame on you!
Is good Polska food, learn already!
Don’t be stupid Polack!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Ready to eat!
Duck blood! Duck blood! Tender sweet meat!
Simmered in broth, blood, but not beak
EAT IT GODDAMMIT! DON’T GET SICK!
 
Is good for you! So very tasty too!
Was cooked by my babcia (Grandma)
When I was little boy
Is good memory, this soup!
Niech Bóg błogosławi duszę mojej babci…
(May God bless my Grandmother’s soul)
 
Duck blood soup! Duck blood soup! Do what I say
Czernina! Czernina! Use it today!
Onion, fruit, pepper and salt use too
Czernina! Czernina! Is good for you! 

The Nude Polka Kings! - Don't Smash The Punkins!

 The Nude Polka Kings turn their polka instincts to the Halloween holiday with the novel song Don't
Smash The Punkins! Polka.  Most of us here at GR50 Records enjoyed the song, except for one associate.

Whenever we get a sound file of a new song, we have a round table meeting of available associates and discuss it.  There is never a song released arbitrarily by us - they all come under scrutiny and a vote. The one dissenting opinion over this song came about the lyrics. First of all, the term 'punkins' instead of 'pumpkins', and to take it even further, it was suggested that since the song is really about smashing jack o' lanterns, it should be named 'Don't Smash The Jack O' Lanterns'.  Of course pumpkin is the correct term, but it was pointed out to the dissenter that since this was a novelty song, a certain hominess of style in the lyric was a good thing. Next, as to why they used 'punkin' instead of jack o' lantern, it was also pointed out that what is a jack o' lantern but a type of pumpkin after all? A specific style and use for a pumpkin, but still a pumpkin nonetheless. And the rhyme of 'punkins' and 'youngkins' was also criticized, as the dissenter didn't know what youngkins meant. As was pointed out to him, the meaning of the fabricated word can be derived from the context and poetic license; a young one, a kid.  But the lone dissenter stood by their guns, and we brought it up to a vote, with the obvious outcome.

It is the autumn time of year
And soon it will be Halloween
Trick or treating lots of candy
Ghosts and goblins on the scene

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT PLEASE...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

Carving punkins into faces
Lighting them evil delight
Perfect time to dance the polka
In the dark and eerie night!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT OH NO...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

All kinds of costumes that we've seen
Witches, goblins, vampires too
Women wear some that are skimpy
We appreciate the view!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT DON'T DO IT!

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - 'Possum Livin' Skills

Uncle June himself is the soloist in this song, 'Possum Livin' Skills, and he has a voice that isn't what you'd call pretty, but it is assuredly distinctive. With a little bit of a growl, a touch of hoarseness, and an ability to put a lot into the lyrics of a song. But we do advise that listeners follow along with the printed lyrics, as Uncle June's accent combined with his voice timbre can leave some words hard to understand. But it is worth the effort, as Uncle June is the author of them, and they contain Kentucky country wisdom as well as good humor. 

We talked to the leader of The Burgoo Boys, John Henry Flort, and he told us their group was playing the same gig as Uncle June's and they liked their sound, started jamming with them after the gig, and they ended up playing until morning! John Henry said that the group gives them an added dimension besides bluegrass. He also told us that the entire group is the happiest bunch they've ever met. Not a sourpuss in the bunch! He gave us Uncle June's phone number, so we gave him a call.

His good will and humor came across the phone just talking to him, and he had some things to tell us about himself:

Yeah, we been playin' for quite a few years. Played all kinds of events, even had a bar mitzvah scheduled once, but they cancelled! Man, The Burgoo Boys like they been playin' with us fer years! Hit it right off, blended good. They like all the oddball instruments my guys can play. You name it, these guys done played it! We're lookin' forward to playin' with The Boys lots more. They told us we could prolly get a contract from ya'll on our own, but nah, we'll stick with The Boys. They's recorded before, got more experience. Truth be told, me and my boys don't want the bother of it all. We jest wanna play! 'Sides, lot of the guys got other jobs, good payin' one too, hard to come by this day and age in this here part of the country, so this is jest a sideline for 'em. 

Uncle June

As fer myself, hell I'm not only REtired, I'm STILL tired! Don't let my looks fool ya, I'm older than I look! As for the 'Possum Livin' Skills song, I been mullin' that over in my head fer quite a spell. Seen lots of 'possums 'round these parts, and got to thinkin' how they get along so well, some of them in town to boot. 'Possums just adapted to modern times I reckon. The music was a group effort fer sure. Our trombone player, 'Boner' Stewart came up with the trombone parts and brought some of his other 'bone buddies and a tuba blower also to help out. The guy's been playin' the 'bone for longer than I know, and he's real good! Course gotta have the washtub bass and washboard for the bottom of the song! Gotta tell ya, at the recording, I thunk up the last line of the song I'd rather be well fed and alive than purty and dead, on the spot. When I said it at the end, we also spoiled the recording because my guys started crackin' up!  That and when I said the word 'omnivore' the first few takes, the band cracked up too. They didn't kn ow what it meant, jest thought it sounded funny and too hifalutin for a song we was recording! That's the only trouble we got with recording; we have so much fun playin' t'gether, we crack up and cain't keep goin'. Come to a dead stop gigglin' and carryin' on!

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya'll can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

'Possum plays dead, but not all the time
Sometimes he just saunters off
Other times he'll hiss like a snake
Sometimes stand his ground get pissed off!

So pick your battles carefully
Sometimes jest puff up say no!
Others raise up your hackles
Others ya just gotta let go

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya'll can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

When persimmon trees are in fruit
The 'possum gets his belly full
On a branch, feedin' hisself
Enjoyin' ever sweet mouthful!

Find out what your persimmons are
Oh yeah, seek it and ya'll will find
Find what gives ya satisfaction
Gives ya a sense of peace of mind

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

Live on the cheap you'll be surprised
How little can keep ya alive
Not always, but when ya have to
Keep an even keel to survive

We all need money to get by on
But don't be gettin' the notion
To work your ass off wreck your health
To try and make a big fortune

Times is hard for a lot of us
So here's some things ya can try
We call it 'possum livin' skills
All kind a tricks to get by

Don't neglect the dark of night
Ol' 'possum is a night critter
On a clear night go outside
Get a chair be a night sitter

Darker the night, the better
Light can be a distraction
Let your mind go, have a think
Take peace in your inaction

But thar's somethin' ya needs to know
Ol' 'possum is an omnivore
Nice way of sayin' he eats anything...
I wouldn't do that...OH NO!

Times is hard for a lot of us
Been that way through history
Maybe 'possum livin' skills
Can help keep ya happy and free!

'Possum livin' skills
Oh yeah!
'Possum livin' skills
Ugly ol' 'possum
Knows where it's at!
He be ugly, but he don't starve

I'd rather be well fed and alive than purty and dead. 

The Nude Polka Kings - Pigs In A Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings make the rounds of the nudist camps in  the summer, and yes, they perform in the nude like their name implies. They also tour in the winter, but with clothes on for obvious reasons. There's only one nudist Polka Dance Hall in the country, and they run it! It's kind of strange, but not if your a nudist ands love to dance the polka!

This song was suggested by one of our more obscure associates (no names please!). The Polka Kings are more limited in their repertoire, and no matter how clever it is, Pigs In The Polka probably won't make them an  overnight sensation. We here at GR50 Records thought it was clever anyway, if a little offbeat. Pigs in a polka? Who would have ever thought?

I've seen pigs in a blanket, Seen pigs in a sty, 

Seen pigs out in space, heard pigs squeal and cry. 

Seen food made from them, at the butcher shop 

But pigs in a polka? When will it ever stop? 

 

 Pigs in a polka, a sight so odd 

Pigs in a polka, with big fat bods,

 A porcine nightmare, I hope I never see, 

Pigs in a polka, seems so weird to me. 

 

Who ever thought of it, surely makes no sense. 

Nothing against pigs, but I think they're too dense. 

They can't play music, and they sure can't dance. 

So why pigs in a polka, and take a chance! 

 

Pigs in a polka, with rolls of fat! 

Pigs in a polka, ain't where it's at! 

A piggy hell, to haunt eternally, 

Should not be a pigs destiny! 

 

 I hear them oink I hear them squeal. 

Hear them make a fuss, over not a big deal. 

So what good are they, on the dance floor! 

With mamas and their piglets, and a big, fat boar! 

 

Pigs in a polka, they dance before my eyes! 

Pigs in a polka, it wasn't very wise! 

Such a piggy mess, don't step in it! 

 Pigs in a polka, don't care where they shit! 

 

I hear them raise the roof I hear them run everywhere, 

See them roll around in mud, get it caked in their hair

 Imagine dancing, sliding each which ways 

The polka and mazurka and the polonaise! 

 

Pigs in a polka, the grunting hurts my ears! 

Pigs in a polka, fills me with fears! 

Such sloppy things, no manners too! 

 Pigs in a polka, do what pigs do! 

 

 Is it all a rumor, or is it for real? 

Are the pigs of this world really out to steal, 

The polka from us all, I don't know why they would. 

They should for get about it, Stay in the sty where they should! 

 

 Pigs in a polka, they taste mighty good to me! 

Pigs in a polka, that's how it should be! 

I know it's a morbid fate, 

But they belong on my plate! 

 

As Bacon, chops, tenderloin, roast, sausage, anything but in a polka!

 

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - The Hillbilly Tango

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band has branched out into the Argentinean Tango with their song The Hillbilly Tango. How does a bluegrass country band come about to writing and playing a tango? Uncle June himself tells of the genesis of the idea:

The two groups went together and bought an old barn and converted it into a place we can all hang out, rehearse, and come up with ideas. We've got an excellent accordion player that also plays other jug band instruments, and we've been thinking of ideas for songs he can play the accordion on, as he's not played it on a recording yet. His training was on the accordion when he was a kid, and like a lot of accordion students, he made his way through polkas aplenty, as well as some tangoes. One day he was noodling around, and playing snatches of improvised tango tunes. Now The Burgoo Boys original band has a top-notch banjo player, and he began to 'jam' with the accordion, and we liked the sound of it! We put our heads together and come up with the idea for The Hillbilly Tango!

Uncle June takes on the solo vocalizing in the song, and he's become the main vocalist for the group, but they plan on spotlighting some of the other members who have fine voices as well.  Uncle June and John Henry Flort, the two leaders of the combined group, want everyone to have a say in things, and they say so far it's working out great. On the rare occasions when they can't reach agreement, they hold a vote. It's rare for a group that has this many members  The Burgoo Boys have 6 members, Uncle June's group varies from a core group of 5 members to as many as 15 with other players employed for added instruments. 

With the warming of the earth and the passing of the winter
Our hearts start to fill with mirth and our minds are filled with laughter
It has been a long time comin' this renewal time of year
And we'll git the banjo strummin’ and awaken our sleepy ears!
 
Singin' the bluegrass tango, dancin' the steps as we go
No time for blues for hummin' hold on tight let's go!
Hillbilly band plays the tango, ain't so strange, not at all
We like all kinds of music, and sang it in a southern drawl!
 
At first we git some strange looks when we play in a tango beat
But we think Argentinean sound is really funky and neat
So we'll play it when we got the urge whether folks understand or not
With the beat that's so familiar the boys will nail on the spot!
 
Singin' the bluegrass tango the steps begin to flow
In and out with the music hold on tight let's go!
Hillbilly band plays the tango, dang, they can do it so well!
We like all kinds of music the tango weaves its spell
 
Hillbilly meets the tango play it subtle, play it proud
Swing the beat like it should, don't play it too loud
Blend the different styles into a brand new genre
Sync with the sound, maybe reach nirvana
 
Singin' the bluegrass tango, tones played sweet and low
In and out with the music played with pick and bow
Hillbilly band plays the tango, try it with yer partner
No need to pigeonhole or be a musical martyr 

The Nude Polka Kings - Pig Fat

Pigs and the resultant products made from them have been feeding people for a long time. The old

saying goes that the only part of the pig not used is the oink, and that's more true than not. Pigs are one of  the easiest of animals to raise for meat, and they really are not dirty animals. The only reason they wallow in  the mud is to cool off when the weather's hot as they cannot sweat. 

So it stands to reason with all the pluses of raising pigs, they would be part of the cultural history of many different reasons. Jewish and Islamic cultures shun pork as it is considered unclean, but for many people pork remains an important source of protein. Certain cuts and methods of preparation can make it a healthy meat to eat as well. Then there's the subject of this song - pig fat!

Some of the most popular kinds of pork products to eat are sausage and bacon, both highly processed meats that are high in sodium and cholesterol that should be eaten in moderation, if at all. But it's true, there's a lot of flavor in pork fat! 

Their song Pig Fat is a departure for the group, as it really isn't a Polka, if it's even any kind of dance at all is the question. It would be difficult indeed to dance to the song. The group obviously had a good time recording it! 

We’ve heard about pigs in a polka, 

A most disgusting thought. 

Nothing against pigs at all 

Many a pig we have sought.

 

 But not to put in a polka, 

But a very different fate

 Butcher ‘em up 

And put ‘em on a plate! 

 

We like all the parts of a hog 

Nothing that we’d give to the dog

 But many times we’ve had a major spat, 

Over our favorite PIG FAT! 

 

Pig fat around pork chops, 

Makes them juicy and tender. 

Pig fat laced in bacon, 

Succulent and tender 

 

Clogging up our arteries

 And making us obese. 

But it really is quite tasty, 

Give us more if you please! 

 

 Pig fat is king! Pig fat is rich! 

Give us some more, or we will surely bitch!

 Fry our eggs in bacon grease, makes them mighty fine! 

We’ll take it oozing bacon grease, every time! 

 

Dripping down our chins, 

Covering our hands 

Barbecued pork ribs, 

Greasy smoked hams 

 

Pie crust made with lard, 

Is the best in the land 

Pork roast dripping fat

 Is something we can stand! 

 

 Greasy pork chops with thick fat, 

Cooked with kraut and biscuits! 

Soaks up all the deliciousness 

Please make it just for us! 

 

Sausages made with pork, 

Larded with piggie fat. 

Served on a crusty bun 

With mustard is where it's at! 

 

Pork steak fried with onions 

Is a dish fit for royalty 

But don't waste it on them 

Give it instead to ME!

 

 Pig fat is king! Pig fat is rich! 

Give us some more, or we will surely bitch!

 Fry our eggs in bacon grease, makes them mighty fine! 

We’ll take it oozing bacon grease, every time! 

 

 Cholesterol skyrockets, 

Doctor gives us hell 

Wants to start a treatment 

Giving the hard sell 

 

Pills I will surely take, 

Exercise as well, 

But cut out pig fat.... 

Ain't no way in hell! 

 

Pig fat is rich! Pig fat is king! 

Greasy sloppy pig fat, is our special thing!

I will keep on saying, until my dying breath.... 

PIG FAT! 

Pasquale Appassionato - The Pushcart Disaster

 

GR50 Records associates and agents have been busy investigating new talent, and they've found this operatic tenor! He's classically trained, and has a penchant to record off-beat songs, so he fits right in! Pasquale Appassionato is most likely a pseudonym, but we don't care. We look at the song and quality of the recording. An orchestra backs up the singer as he tells a tale of having a vegetable fight with his rival in 1920's New York Little Italy.

Picture in your mind a hot, steamy day in New York City in the 1920's. There are fruit and vegetable peddlers pushing their carts full of good to sell. Pasquale's cart is laden with all kinds of goods, it's been a good year in his garden. He has to sell as much as he can, as the items are dead-ripe and won't last much longer in the heat and humidity. He begins to shout his sales pitch over the other peddlers as he weaves his way through the crowds on the cobblestones of Mulberry Street. He hears his rival 'Big Mike' shouting, but Big Mike is shouting about how Pasquale's melons are bad, and other slurs. People hear, and quit buying anything from Pasquale. He tries lowering prices, but Big Mike has ruined his day. Now he'll have to take the loss from his produce spoiling! He gets close to Big Mike's cart, and Pasquale loses his temper, rams his cart into Big Mike's, and begins throwing his produce at Big Mike and anyone else that gets in the way! But there's one 'customer' that likes Pasquale's wares, and gives his approval!

My name is Pasquale Appassionato,
I grow the vegetable I grow la frutta
Cobblestones on Mulberry street are
baking like oven. Air is thick
Flies, they buzz...And a my produce...
 
My beautiful eggplant, they weep
 in the New York shade!
Bellissima zucchini,  they
sweat like my brow!
Tomato, she is ripe, Garlic she sigh.
La frutta, they get all slimy snotty!
I must push cart on the street
If nobody buys, my heart she
break like stale biscotti!
Mama mia... we are DOOMED!
 
Hey! Look-a here, look-a here, step right up!
Put a dime in my pocket, a pear in you cup!
I got a the garlic, the onion, the bean,
The finest tomato you ever have seen!
Hey, lady! Don’t walk, don't pass me by,
Buy a nice banana for your favorite guy!
Presto, andiamo, look at the price,
Buy it today it's allso nice!
 
But the sun is beating, the street is a mess,
 Pasquale is starting to feel the stress!
Down on the corner stands "Big Mike,"
Selling his cabbages off of a pike!
He yells to the crowd that my melons, they bad!
Making the people of Mulberry mad!
He steal  my business, taking my dime,
Ruining Pasquale's beautiful time!
 
My blood, she is boiling! My face, she is red!
I scream at Big Mike till I wake up the dead!
"You insult my fruit?! You insult my name?!"
I put on the brakes and I get in the game!
I pull back my handles, I line up the wheels,
Ignoring the women and all of their squeals—
I run at his stand like a runaway train,
CRASH! Go the carts in the alleyway lane!
 
"Basta! You no want? I give a it to you anyway!"
Flying tomato! Caught in the ear!
Splat on a the copper! Out  my way, dear!
Head of a lettuce goes spinning in flight,
Turning the corner into a fight!
Carrots so orange, nice and a sweet
I hope they make you slip, trip up you feet!
Cabbage for Big Mike! Hit in the nose!
Hit a him hard,  blood runs and flows!
Slimy and snotty, it's raining a peach,
Samples for everyone, samples for each!
 
You get a garlic! You get a bean!
Maddest banana you ever have seen!
Smash the pushcart! Break the stand!
Welcome to beautiful New York land!
 
...Eh. The horse, he like-a the carrot.

Forgotten Bob - Gotta Gimme Rockabilly!

 Forgotten Bob remains an enigma. He sings his latest song about being all about Rockabilly, and he certainly isn't the Punk Rock musician he used to be. But his loud clothes and piled up hair extends the usual image of a Rockabilly artist, such as Elvis Presley, or Carl Perkins. But as he says in this song, he's ditched all of his gaudy punk jewelry. We've been told by people that knew him back then that he had the works, spikes in his ear, nose rings, chain going from the nose ring to an earring,  and some piercings of some very private areas we'll not mention. He has changed, but he's still out there. His manager texted us and said that Bob's interest in politics has waned, probably take a break from it which is okay by us. We're interested in seeing where he goes next!

Way long ago in the day
Now to me it sounds so silly
I had somethin' diff'rent to say
Playin' loud, screamin' and shrilly

Thank God it was long time ago
Hate stuff played so willy nilly
I growed up and sing better stuff
Now I'm about ROCKABILLY!

Gotta gimme Rock a billy!
Combo of country and rock
That's become my musical role
Sure ain't no Mozart or Bach!

Got rid most of my jewelry
Still got the holes in my face it went
Studs, rings, chains and the works
Sold it to help pay my rent

Can't say I fully repent
Still like my high greasy hair
My clothes are on the wild side
But now I wear underwear (tighty whiteys!)

Gotta gimme Rock a billy!
Combo of country and rock
That's become my musical role
Sure ain't no Mozart or Bach!

Closed the door, ain't goin' back
Ain't playin' nothin' frilly
The past is just what it is
The present is ROCKABILLY!

Gotta gimme Rock a billy!
Combo of country and rock
That's become my musical role
Sure ain't no Mozart or Bach!

Way long ago in the day
Now to me it sounds so silly
I had somethin' diff'rent to say
Playin' loud, screamin' and shrilly

Thank God it was long time ago
Hate stuff played so willy nilly
I growed up and sing better stuff
Now I'm about ROCKABILLY!

Gotta gimme Rock a billy!
Combo of country and rock
That's become my musical role
Sure ain't no Mozart or Bach!

Amos Carter - Slew Foot Stu Boogie

  Amos Carter's latest tells the tale about one of his band members; Stu Milligan, rhythm guitar player.

At least a certain part of Stu's anatomy, mainly his slew feet. Now being slew footed means your toes point out towards the side, the opposite of pigeon toes where the toes point inwards. Stu's had the nickname Slew Foot for a long time, since he was in the Army. He takes it with good humor, and even contributed to the writing of this song, Slew Foot Stu's Boogie. Amos told us Stu came up with the chorus for  the song. Amos and his band keep adding to their original songs they can play at their gigs, as well as doing numerous covers. Amos handles the double bass and lays down a solid bass to the song as usual. 

We've got a member of the band 

Who walks in his own special style 

Toes stickin' out past his ankles 

His feet flomp and stomp down the aisle 

 

His toes always catching on things 

We all call him bunches of names 

Feet like two extended wings 

He was born that way, not to blame 

 

Slew foot Stu, struttin' down the hall 

Like a duck, with turned out feet 

Like Chaplin in a silent flick 

All with a boogie woogie beat 

 

He plays the rhythm guitar well 

Keeps a real steady boogie beat 

Nothin' throws him off you can bet 

Just glad he don't play with his feet! 

 

 Imagine his hands stickin' out 

Like a couple two by four boards 

He'd have hell of a time strummin' 

And couldn't finger no dang chords! 

 

Slew foot Stu, struttin' down the hall 

Like a duck, with turned out feet 

Like Chaplin in a silent flick 

All with a boogie woogie beat 

 

When Stu went into the army 

He was issued boots normal size 

He made his platoon sargent mad 

Kept wearin' out the boot sole sides! 

 

Sargent hollered at him always 

He'd yell at him when marchin' "HALT! 

Point your damn feet straight!" he'd tell him 

Stu would mutter 'It ain't my fault!" 

 

Slew foot Stu, struttin' down the hall 

Like a duck, with turned out feet 

Like Chaplin in a silent flick 

All with a boogie woogie beat 

 

All the ribbin' is in good fun 

Great that Stu's got a real thick hide 

Glad that he laughs, doesn't get mad 

He takes it all well in his stride 

 

But he gets even with some us

Givin' his own kind of abuse 

Those got pigeon toes he tells 'em 

 "Best put some bird food in them shoes!" 

 

Slew foot Stu, struttin' down the hall 

Like a duck, with turned out feet 

Like Chaplin in a silent flick 

All with a boogie woogie beat

El Gato! - Delfina El Tango

Delfina

The latest from our tango band based in Buenos Aires, Argentina! El Gato himself is the soloist in a passionate tango about his love, Delfina, who happens to be a member of the band! As it usually goes with the band, they played for about 30 minutes to warm up, and they got in a groove, sounded great! El Gato joined them and did a sound check. His voice was still rough, but seemed to have a lighter quality here and there. When they got down to it, they recorded numerous takes of the song. El Gato listened, and picked the best one, the one included. Spanish lyrics and English translation:

Delfina El Tango

Delfina, te vi pasar con tu paso de salón
y yo, torpe de verdad, pisé tarde el corazón
Tengo manos de ladrón para el aire, para el hilo
pero al verte, mi canción se me quiebra sin escondite
 
Yo no sé girar contigo me tropiezo al respirar
si me acerco, pierdo el pulso si me alejo, duele más
Y aunque digan que es destino yo te miro y ya está
 
Delfina, mi voz te baila Delfina, mi voz te da
Yo no bailo el tango, amor pero te sé cantar
Delfina, mi voz te baila (Delfina) Delfina, mi voz te da (mi voz te da)
 
Tengo el pulso de un reloj que se cae al despertar
y tu risa, por favor, me enseña a no desafinar
No te ofrezco una esquina ni un compás para los pies
te ofrezco esta herida donde te nombro otra vez
 
Si la pista me perdona yo me quedo en el borde
con la pena en la garganta y tu nombre de norte
Que me vean tan sincero que me oigan temblar
 
Delfina, mi voz te baila Delfina, mi voz te da
Yo no bailo el tango, amor pero te sé cantar
Delfina, mi voz te baila (Delfina) Delfina, mi voz te da (mi voz te da)
 
Si la noche pide una vuelta yo la doy sin caminar
porque en cada nota abierta te me vuelvo a acercar
Y si nunca hay dos cuerpos marcando el mismo lugar
que mi pecho haga el baile que mis labios sepan dar
 
Delfina, mi voz te baila Delfina, mi voz te da
Yo no bailo el tango, amor pero te sé cantar
Delfina, mi voz te baila (Delfina) Delfina, mi voz te da (mi voz te da)
Delfina, quédate aquí en mi forma de cantar

Delfina's Tango

Delfina, I saw you pass by with your ballroom stride
and I—truly clumsy—stepped on my own heart too late
My hands are like a thief's when grasping at air or thread
but when I see you, my song breaks within me, with nowhere to hide
 
I don't know how to spin with you I stumble just to breathe
If I draw near, I lose my pulse If I pull away, it hurts even more
And though they say it's destiny I simply look at you, and that is all
 
Delfina, my voice dances for you Delfina, my voice gives itself to you
I don't dance the tango, love but I know how to sing for you
Delfina, my voice dances for you (Delfina) Delfina, my voice gives itself to you (my voice gives itself)
 
My pulse is like a clock that tumbles down upon waking
and your laughter—oh, please— teaches me how not to sing off-key
I don't offer you a street corner nor a rhythm for your feet
I offer you this wound where I speak your name once again
 
If the dance floor forgives me I'll stay right here on the edge
with sorrow lodged in my throat and your name as my guiding star
Let them see how sincere I am let them hear me tremble
 
Delfina, my voice dances for you Delfina, my voice gives itself to you
I don't dance the tango, love but I know how to sing for you
Delfina, my voice dances for you (Delfina) Delfina, my voice gives itself to you (my voice gives itself)
 
If the night calls for a turn I'll take it without moving my feet
for in every open note I draw close to you once more
And if two bodies never mark out the very same spot
then let my heart perform the dance that my lips know how to give
 
Delfina, my voice dances for you Delfina, my voice gives itself to you
I don't dance the tango, love but I know how to sing for you
Delfina, my... My voice dances for you (Delfina)
 Delfina, my voice gives itself to you (my voice gives itself to you)
Delfina, stay here within the way I sing

 

Forgotten Bob - The Smegma Rock

Forgotten Bob is no fan  of Donald Trump's administration. He pulls no punches in his criticism, and he does it to his usual rock-a-billy beat. But he goes further and criticizes the entire MAGA movement with this song, and equates it to...well...the title of the song tells that tale! If there's one thing we know about Forgotten Bob, you never know what his next offering will be. But it's seldom boring! 

I'm wonderin', what in the  hell,
'Bout all the people still supportin' him
As long as that mindset is to tell,
Chances of improvement are mighty slim...
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
Since last year when I stated my case,
Laid out my thoughts of Donald Trump
Said he was a nasty turd in our punchbowl,
Gotten worse as he sits on his rump!
 
Murdered civilians, broken up families,
Shifted more money to his rich bastard kind
There is no end to his causing calamities,
And to top it all off, he's losing his mind
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
His followers worship his wrinkled little cock
And think that'll "affect them all but me"
So busy dancing to the smegma rock
That they really don't want to try and see!
 
Is there any hope that we will survive?
Each day it's getting worse and worse
Will there be a change to keep us alive
Or are we stuck in the gear of reverse?
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
We're in a goddam war he said wouldn't happen,
His defenders don't give a shit that he lied,
It's true every time his lips start to flappin',
He could not tell the truth if he tried!
 
Ain't true that nothin' can possibly be done!
If Republicans work with Democrats to pass
Working together, fights can be won
But the Elephant has turned into a cowering ass!
 
King Donald, much more radiant than Christ
His followers pray to him and offer thanks
While everything gets so damned overpriced
And the economy continues to tank
 
Trump probably won't ever be held accountable,
 He'll die first. But every one of his opportunistic
Smegma helpers need to be held accountable for
 Their part in the endless cooperation in the corruption
 Of THE TURD IN THE PUNCHBOWL!
With a special nod to his butt boy, toy soldier
WHISKEY PETE! And let the truth contained in
The Epstein files condemn his memory as a
FUCKER OF CHILDREN...FOREVER!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Thar's Gold In Them Thar Hills!

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun sings his latest about seeking his fortune by prospecting for gold. He's not
prospected before, but he knows what he needs to do it. A grubstake, pick and shovel...and a mule to do the heavy work. So he finds a prospector that made his fortune and no longer needed his mule named Euripides. So he made a good price to Chuck Wagon, bought him and headed up to the mountains. As with all of Chuck Wagon's endeavors, he loses interest and moved on to his next adventure...after he sells Euripides...Rip as Chuck Wagon calls him! So what adventure and profession awaits our tall tale teller? Stay tuned and find out! 

Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun.
I’m fixin’ to jack ma jaw at ya ‘bout
The time I deserted the world and went prospectin’…
FER THAT YELLER STUFF WE GO NUTS OVER!!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
Had ‘nough of gittin’ my ass shot at and beat
So I heerd ‘bout some dudes stakin’ claims
Way up in the hills findin’ gold nuggets big
So I sold all my stuff and went to do the same
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Nuggets found as big as a chicken egg
Got me a grub stake and a pick an a shovel
Now all I need’s a mule, then stretch ma legs!
 
Now I done worked with mules afore now.
Git a good one, they help out a lot
Git a bad one, all they do is eat and shit
Best save yer money with a pistol shot…
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Found me a miner that done struck it rich
Didn’t have no need fer a mule no more
He said he were a good worker…(lying sum a bitch!)
 
Couldn’t believe when he tol’ me the mules name
He called the ol’ mule Euripides
What the hell kind a name fer a mule is that?
Some ol’ Greek dude what wrote tragedies?
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, said the ol’ timer
Best keep callin’him the same name
If ya change it, he prolly won’t answer
He’s a good boy, will mind ye, and tame!
 
So I tried to shorten his name to Rip
I hollered it and to my side he did trip
So we gathered ourselves and got on the trail
And he follered me long side my hip
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, but whar’s it at?
Me and Rip fer a month searched for mother lode
My back was a achin’, my knees were a shakin’!
Went further and further down the road
 
Now it seems the further we traveled
I were carryin’ more of the weight
Ol’ Rip was a lolligaggin’
He best shape up, git goin’ straight!
 
Thar’s gold in them that hills, OH YEAH?
My ass is sorely draggin’
Ol’ Rip wants to sit under the shade tree
His part of the deal shore is flaggin’
 
Come to a head one damned hot sultry day
The sun beatin’ down on my brow
Ol’ Rip sittin’ in the shade of a tree
My patience really snapped somehow
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, ya goddam mule!
No mo gonna give ya a pass
I picked up a big ol’ tree limb
And was fixin’ to beat his ass!
 
He looked at me with his big brown eyes
As I was fixin’ to give him a whallop
Brayed a couple times like he t’were laughin’
And suddenly he grunted and sprang up
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, he seemed to say
But it shore ain’t worth all of this trouble
He walked ovah to me, nuzzled ma hand
I dropped the big club on the double
 
[Spoken word]
It took that stubborn old mule to make me see the error of my ways.
What the hell good is gold if you're all cobbled up from findin' it?
So I sat with him in the shade of the tree,
Scratched him under the chin like he liked,
Vowed to quit prospectin', and then told old Rip I thanked him-
Then I sold that goddamn stubborn no good
Consarned lazy fuckin' mule!
And I told the dumbass what bought him he's a good worker!

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - Uncle June Sings Songs Of The Burgoo Boys

 

The Burgoo Boys, are a bluegrass band from Kentucky. Their leader, John Henry Flort, heard Uncle June's Jug Band  when both bands played one New Year's Eve at the same venue. John Henry talked to Uncle June himself, June McShary, and the two groups jammed together and a new group was formed.  With a slightly rough, hoarse, but very musical, Uncle June became the lead singer. Uncle June and his group served to inspire The Burgoo Boys to tighten up their music, expand their creativity, and the groups melded together like they’d been playing together for years. And all of them were proud Kentuckians, and that was reflected in all their songs. The different instruments added by Uncle June’s group has expanded their sound as well.

GR50 Records held meetings with the two leaders on ways we could consolidate the names, even offered to give each group an individual contract. But they told us flat out, they already took a vote from all the musicians, and everyone including themselves, wanted the name of the group to be: The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June’s Jug Band, so that’s what it is!
 
John Henry approached Uncle June with an idea; would Uncle June like to make an album of some of the boys older songs? Hence, this 5 song album, Uncle June Sings! John Henry was no longer satisfied with the original versions of four of the songs. He wanted to add different instrumentation and June’s distinctive voice in hopes to make the songs even better. So while writing new songs, the group also revised those 4 songs. Uncle June had recently written a country ballad Sweet Belle Of Louisville, Kentucky as an anniversary present for his wife on their 30^th wedding anniversary, and all the musicians agreed to include this song as well.
 
1. What The Hell Is Burgoo? - This song was originally written in response to some people commenting on their name and what burgoo was! 
 
2. Roadkill Café - An idea used by many musicians, but we were immediately drawn to the humor of the lyrics and the quality of the musical performance. 
 
3. Sweet Belle Of Louisville, Kentucky - This song was written by Uncle June as a gift for his wife on their 30^th wedding anniversary. It’s a slow, country ballad and shows how Uncle June’s voice, while not being the most attractive musically, can be used for genuine heart-felt emotion. Uncle June told us the story: 

Uncle June McShary

Yeah, this be pretty much how it happened. I'm a country boy, used to git all cleaned up once in a spell an' go into Louisville to the picture show. Usually had my brothers and sisters with me, but this time I was by my own self. Don't 'member why, but anyhow, I never seen the girl before then, and there was somethin' 'bout her took my breath away. I were seventeen, had a few gal friends afore, but none of 'em affected me like this! I was kind a shy back then, still amazed I asked her to sit with me, but I did. Even more amazed she said 'yes'! 

Found out later she was a city girl, so we come from two different lifestyles. Took us a bit to get used to the way each other done things, but it was never a case of one bein' better than the other. Just different. Long story short, we've been together ever since. Never had a break up, had our share of disagreements but we hung in there, got married, had four kids that are all growed now, got some Grandbabies too! Life with her has been great! 

4. When Yer Up To Yer Ass In Alligators - Another humorous original, taken from an old country saying of perseverance among unforeseen circumstances. 
 
5. Feed ‘Em Beans! - That The Burgoo Boys can write lively, toe-tapping, (and profane!) songs is shown in this example. The original is also a great example of the virtuoso musicians in the group, as the tempo is quite brisk. Now add that together with the virtuosity in Uncle June’s group, and you’ve got a quite different interpretation!