Reginald P. Farquahar III - Thems You Meet On Carnaby Street

 

This is quite a song with a synopsis being:

A story song about Reggie trying to impress a group of young women on Carnaby Street when one of his old plumber mates Alfie, eyes him and embarrasses him! Reggie in turn gets really nasty with Alfie, then Alfie talks back, then Reggie, then Alfie really lets loose with some choice tales about him and Reggie visiting the pub, passing out on the sidewalk, and Reggie laying there 'snorin' and pissin' his pants'! Despite Reggie's protests, the women don't think Reggies any more of a 'British Gentleman' than Alfie is, and they storm off. Reggie calls Alfie some choice names, Alfie asked if he wants to settle it 'under Marquis of Queensbury Rules' , Reggie starts flailing and Alfie lands a solid smack to the jaw, knocking Reggie down. Alfie tests to see if Reggie's really out or not, offers to buy him a pint!

REGGIE
Greetings!
My name is Reginald Poindexter Farquahar, the third!
Aye, 'tis a fine day in the exquisite metropolis of London!
As I take my daily constitutional
Down Carnaby Street, I meet a
Group of the city’s finest  ingénues
Gathering on a street corner.
 I stop and introduce myself, and begin
To have a most enlightening and delightful chat:
 
Good day to you, ladies,
I offer my greetings
To one of the most beautiful
 Sights of my meetings
You've chosen a sublimest of days
To partake of a promenade
May I offer to buy you
All a glass of lemonade?
 
Perchance you may think me forward to ask
But I assure you all, 'tis but a friendly task
To engage in intelligent conversation
Is my one and only reason for instigation!
 
ALFIE
Oy!!
OY!!
 That be you, Reggie?
My gaw, didn’t make ya out
Wi' the fancy garb!
 How ya be, ya ol’ turd puller?
Ya 'member me, don't ya? Alfie!
 ALFIE MORRIS!
We spent many an 'our  together
Up to our arse holes in muck!
 I ain’t seen ya since ya hung
up the ol’ shit stompahs!
 
By gaw, ye ain’t hung em up!
Yer still wearin’ ‘em! Haw Haw Haw!
Wi’ wearin' wormy ol’ tweed duds...
that the moths done
et half of! Haw haw haw!
 
What gives wi' ya, me ol' friend?
Why ya tryin' t' be all fancy?
Ya gone daft, too many pints at the pub
Just wait 'til I tell ol' DeLancy!
 
REGGIE
(Oy ...indeed... a gross
memory from me past...)
Oh, pay no mind. m'ladies.
 'Tis but a common plumber
I have used in the past,
In my construction endeavors.
I do not remember him much,
as he was but a lowly worker
 that I had little contact with.
 
In the past, as I was in charge of construction
I had on occasion to deal with grossly common
I never actually worked with this man
So I believe he is most horribly mistaken
I designed with my encompassing skill
The most complex of pipe fitting schemes
But I never worked with this man called Alfie
Not in his most wildest dreams!
 
Go away, sir! Can’t you see I am engaged
In polite conversation that you are ill
Equipped for?
Be a good fellow, and begone!
 
ALFIE
BY GAW!
Say, where do ya get off wi' tha' stuff?
Still doin' the same ol' shite!
Tryin' to make time with posh birds
Never did it work out right!
 
I 'member the days we spent inna pub
Flexin' our elbows an all
Kept the points comin' near and fast
'Till we got to stagger an' fall!
I 'member ya layin' there on the sidewalk
Snorin' an' pissin yer pants!
Then ya'd wake up, get physical
Throw yer fists, and throw yer rants!
I also 'member the times you took a swing
At me your oldest dearest mate
 
Same  t'ing happened every time
A sock in yer jaw were yer fate!
Ya always had a glass jaw, Reggie me boy!
If ya be wantin' the same, keep yer jaws movin'!
 

REGGIE
Please! Dear ladies!
I apologize for this foolish man!
Let us leave him to his misery!
 
FEMALE VOICE
Come, ladies This man is a fraud!
He is no more a proper British
 gentleman than his friend!
 
REGGIE
I beseech you! I give you my oath!
This man has accosted me, on the street!
I shall call a constable forthwith!
That will dispense with him neat!
 
FEMALE VOICE
Leave us alone, or it is I
who shall call the constable!
 

REGGIE
Is it my fate, to be treated thus
When I attempt to overcome my class?
It makes me so sad.
But then angry!
THEY ALL CAN
KISS ME BLOODY ARSE!
And as for you...
you...
you...
BLOODY STUPID WANKER!
 BUGGER OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Ya took the piss right outa me!
Alfie, yer nothin' but a twat!
 
ALFIE
Wanker he says!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
Stupid he says!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
TWAT he says!
HAW! HAW HAW!
Nice to 'ear the ol' Reggie I know
But hardly love!
 
Wanna settle this like we used ta do?
Marquis of Queensbury rules, hmmm?
Watch out fer me foot work ya gross fat cow!
T'ink ya can outbox me? HMMMMM?
 
Yer naught but punchin' air
HAW! HAW! HAW!
This fight shore ain't fair
HAW! HAW! HAW!
Ya never was a fightin' man!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
HERE! HAVE ME RIGHT CROSS HAND!
 
Tol' ya, Reggie me boy
Once got a glass jaw, always got a glass jaw!
Er'e ya out? Or are ya fakin' it?
C'mon. Git up ya hifalutin burk!
Ya fancy a pint? I'm buyin'!

Tugboat Jackson - Gotta Have A Spade To Move The Dirt

 
The bluesman Tugboat Jackson returns!  He's been laid up with a serious health issue, and is just getting back in action. He tells us the tale, and it's a long one:

'Bout three months ago, I got out of bed and couldn't hardly walk. I've got a bad back. bad knees ,in general wore out, but this pain was different. Was in my hip, down my butt, into my thigh and calf. Didn't think much of it. just ook it easy the rest of the day. Next day I got up with the same pains, really didn't feel well, so just laid around all day again. But in the middle of the night the pain woke me up, and I knew I had a fever. Finally after a few hours, I felt so bad could walk only with terrible pain, so I called 911 and they took me to the hospital.

Ended up I had a 103 degree fever, and sepsis! They shot me up with heavy duty pain killers antibiotics. The pain wasn't stopping. I was admitted, a steady stream of tests and doctors kept trying to figure it out. An infectious disease doctor came in, and said all the bloodwork pointed to an infection, and suspected an abscess, but none of the x-rays showed where. After three days of more tests, CAT scans, ultrasounds, and an MRI, doctor ordered another MRI of a specific area in my back, and they found the abscess! It was on a a deep-seated muscle in my back, the psoas muscle, and the abscess was right next to the spinal cord! A neurosurgeon was brought in as the other doctors told me the abscess it needed to be drained. It was causing pressure on nerves and probably pressing on the spinal cord. No wonder the damned thing hurt! The neurosurgeon said he wouldn't touch it! Too dangerous, to get to it might cause damage to the spinal cord which could lead to paralysis of my legs - or worse! 

So more days in the hospital while cultures grew to find out exactly what bacteria caused it. When they got the result, a specific antibiotic was prescribed that had to be given through  an IV. So after I was released from the hospital I had 6 weeks of IV therapy every day to look forward to! After 6 weeks I had another MRI, and the damned thing was still there, and neurosurgeon still refused to drain it. So I went to the hospital every day for IV antibiotic treatments, saw the infectious disease doctor once a week, waited forever to get into the neurosurgeon, who said keep up the treatment and have another MRI in a month! So after 129 straight days of IV treatment, the neurosurgeon had yet another MRI done and declared the abscess was gone! 

The infectious disease doctor was nervous about keeping me on an antibiotic that long, but he also told me I couldn't take a chance with it coming back. If it came back, it would more likely be worse! So kept with, iot, lived through the pain, none of the pain medication really knocked it out until about a month after the treatment started. The educated me to not wait if any of the symptoms showed up again, as this kind of infection can be fatal! And as I'm diabetic, that was a contributing factor to me getting it in the first place (and my blood sugars are well controlled!) so I had a higher likelihood than most for it to reoccur! 

When we talked to Tugboat in the recording studio, he looked well and acted like his old self. Said he's feeling good now and got a lot of songs in his head!  

Bein’ hongry helps ya stand tall
Bein’ hongry can help ya stand tall
Yer work ain’t through
If the rent come due
Gotta git crackin’ fore ya fall
 
Gotta have a spade to move the dirt
Fo sho gotta have a spade to move the dirt
Best not delay
Gotta shovel yo way
If troubles ya wanna avert
 
Usin’ a laddah, look see who's left behind
All depends on who  ya’ll find
People broken, hongry and cryin'
While you try to take what is mine
Driven by a devious mind
 
Workin' hard is a good thing
Yes, workin' hard's a good thing
But not if it comes at the cost
Of another ones loss
Jest so ya get the brass ring
 
I’m tellin’ ya man to man
You know, it is man to man
If ya take the easy pass
Jest to  sit on yo ass
Then you ain't a real man!
 
Seen plenty not give a damn
Join in on all the flim-flam
For money and fame
For ill gotten gain
Don’t live yo life like a scam!
 
May hear that it's a good plot
To take without gettin' caught
Seems a trend today
Don't nevah pay
And let all the rest of them rot!

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - The Hillbilly Beast Of Kentuck

 Most every area has their share of legends. Some quite well known, like Big Foot. The Burgoo Boys

featuring Uncle June's Jug Band sing of a lesser known example. Of course they are more than capable of telling a 'whopper', but we did Googlefy their legend, and there is some info about it found here. The song is somewhat tongue in cheek, with the band playing the appropriate low sounds with a tuba and trombone, with Uncle June's distinctive voice telling the tale!

Daniel Boone

The beast has also been called the Bigfoot of Kentucky, and is comparable in many ways. Many folk lores from different cultures and countries have their own folklore of a giant creature that lives in the forest. The Hillbilly Beast traces its origin (as much as it can be traced) back to pre-colonial times with Native American tribes. These myths were passed down to colonists, and were influenced by their own cultures.  Daniel Boone, the early settler, explorer and statesman in Kentucky (who is a legendary figure himself) allegedly shot one to death when it charged his camp. The creature was immediately (and conveniently) buried so as not to cause alarm and fear with others in the camp. This story spread and was retold, and as humans like to one-up each other when telling a story, grew to mythical proportions. 

In the Eastern part of Kentuck
The foothills of Appalachia
Lives a horror in the forest
Out in the boondocks of nature
 
Some say it is just a myth
A legend of the hill folk
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
For some the myth ain't no joke!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
It weighs over 800 pound
Daniel Boone himself kilt one!
It's a horror passed down the line
From Grampaw, to father, to son!
 
Uses its hairy fist to bang on trees
Can smell it a mile away!
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
Thems seen it, won't go away
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Ya'll can believe that if ya want
But for me that just can't be
Go sit at night in the forest
No tellin' what yer gonna see
 
Could be a local hill folk
Dressed in a hairy suit to fit
Or maybe an ol' black bear
Fixin' to take a big shit!
 
But it makes for a good yarn
'Round a campfire fur the young'uns
To pass on all the folklore
To yer daughters and yer sons...
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Whether ya'll call it the Hillbilly Beast,
Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman,
Or Bigfoot, every culture's got a tale that
 amounts to the same thing...
A figmentation of the imagination!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high 

The Noir Players - Vampire Cantata- A Noir Vampire Drama, With A Twist!

The Noir Players Orchestra repertoire is of a serious  nature most of the time, albeit their subject matter can be campy, even tongue in cheek. This new recording, Vampire Cantata- A Noir Vampire Drama, With A Twist! goes beyond campy! It starts out with a thunderclap, and a frantic soprano voice telling of her impending doom by a vampire. The vampire sings how she is correct in her wailing of impending doom. Just as he moves closer, in for the kill - we hear a jolting record scratch!

The voice of the vampire then complains about the 'cheapo' radio stations he's working at, and about the announcer being a sleep in the vampire's coffin! So not only does the vampire have to adjust the sound and write his own script, now he has to do the commercial break as well! He proceeds with commercial for McClusky's blood bank, gives directions how to get there, and says they will give you a cookie and orange juice after you are finished with the donation! Then the drama continues.

The soprano re-enters with more lamenting, the vampire is close to her getting ready to make his move. As the action speeds to the big finish, the music suddenly stops and a microphone drop is heard! A normal female speaks and tells how they need to take their act to a different station! Joe (the vampire) agrees! They stomp out of the studio, slam the door, which leads to the rustling of bats wings flapping and the bats chirping as a wolf howls in the background...

So the twist of the tale is that the beginning drama is but a deception as the video is a comedy! 

Soprano
The fog is thick... the candles bleed!
Oh, heavens, save me from this night!
The elders words I did not heed...
I’m trapped within his shadow’s might!
I feel the shaking in my knees...
He comes! ... I hear his velvet drag on the floor!
Can no one help me...HELP ME PLEASE!
Help me! Someone lock the door!
 
Vampire
There is no lock
There is no key
You precious sun will never rise
Surrender now your breath to me
And look into my hungry eyes
Do not look back…do not look down
It is your blood I want to use
Your blood belongs to me and to my crown
So relax, my dear
You cannot refuse
My will is not to be denied
So bare your neck! You cannot refuse!
 
Commercial
Marvin?
Yo! Marvin!
*sigh*
Is the narrator sleeping in mine coffin again!
That's what I get for working in a cheapo radio station!
I have to adjust the sound!
I have to write mine own script!
Now…I...I...even have  to...to...to do the commercial break mineself?!
OY VAY!
How humiliating for a great talent such as I!
 
Oh well...someone has to do it if I want to get paid!
 
Say friends when was the last time you give blood…
Hmmm?
You know, blood is the life, Renfield....
Er…
Friends...
Take a trip down to McCluskeys blood bank.
Especially if you have type O....that's oh...
For ohhhh so delicious!
You need directions?
Is easy to find...
Take the first exit to Fang Road,
Make a left onto Mummy Boulevard,
Then a right on Platelet Avenue
But be careful!
You end up in the swamp, you took wrong
Turn on the Creature bypass,
And you end up giving all your blood
To the green eating machine!
Don’t do dat,
Too many humans give him gas!
Is not a good thing!
 
So donate a pint or two this Saturday!
They give you orange juice and
A cookie afterwards!
Tell them your friendly neighborhood
Vampire sent you!
Now...back to the drama!
 
Soprano
The fog is closing in so fast!
I hear his footsteps on the stair,
This hour is doomed to be my last!
A freezing chill is in the air!
Oh, heavens save me from this blight!
Can no one hear my final plea?!
I am so weak...I cannot fight!
I beseech you...don't do this to me!
 
Vampire
Ahahaha!
There is no place for you to hide!
Step out into the dark outside!
Your blood belongs to me, so please!
Look deep into the eyes of me!

Soprano
I feel the shaking in my knees!

Vampire
Yield up your soul unto my might!

Both together
TRAPPED WITHIN THIS ENDLESS NIGHT!
 
Soprano
Wait... *sigh*Listen, Joe,  I'm tired of this
Flea bitten, two-bit outfit!
We can take this vampire
Victim bit to another  station..!
Let's just get out a here!

Vampire (Joe)
Yeah.
Marvin's still
Asleep anyway
Let's go!

 

Amos Carter-Bass Fiddle Boogie

 

The latest by Amos Carter Bass Fiddle Boogie was written by his band member Stu Milligan and his mother Mams Carter. The song is about Amos' younger days, and was prompted by Amos' mother to give the band another original song to sing at gigs. 

As Amos proclaims at the beginning of the recording, his mother plays the piano and adds her consid- erable boogie- woogie playing talents to the rest of the band.  This is the first song she has co-written for the band, as she's been concentrating on her solo career, Amos' instrument is indeed the double bass, or bass fiddle. He anchors the bass in most of the group's songs and is a formidable player. He usually doesn't spotlight his playing very often, but it can be heard throughout the song and he has two places where  the spotlight is on him and his slap-bass technique. He's played countless hours over the years, and has the calluses on both hands to prove it. Double bass strings are thick and under heavy tension, so the left hand develops calluses to protect the finger from blistering. The right hand also develops blisters, in Amos' case even thicker ones from playing slap bass so often. The instrument requires arm and finger strength to play, and it is for good reason that many double bass players are large, strong people. But there are exceptions. Symphony orchestras can have rather physically unimposing people in the double bass section, but for sure, all have strong hands and fingers that are callused.

Amos has mentioned when he was in High School and learning to play. He said the hardest part was restricting the time he practiced so his fingers would slowly develop calluses instead of blisters. He said it was a lesson learned the hard way. As it goes in youth, he thought he was immune to injury, and practiced way longer than he should have. When the inevitable blisters formed, along with very sore hands that cramped painfully, he had to quit practicing until everything healed. He was so intent on learning the instrument that his mother told us that one night after Amos was in bed she took the instrument next door to a neighbor to keep it out of his sight! 

Back in school on the very first day,
Picking out an instrument to play.
The girls took flutes, the boys took brass,
 Amos Carter gave them both a pass.
Looked in the corner at the big wood,
Said, "I’ll take the big one, if I could!"
 
He plays that boogie all night long!
A thumping rhythm big and strong!
Slapping strings till the floorboards shake,
A monster racket Amos makes!
 
Bus driver started to frown and cuss,
Said, “You hog up my whole dang bus!"
Bought two tickets, got red in the face,
One seat for him, one for the bass!
Big bass fiddle stood in the aisle,
The boys and girls would always smile.
 
He plays that boogie all night long!
A thumping rhythm big and strong!
Slapping strings till the floorboards shake,
A monster racket Amos makes!
 
Friday night at the halftime show,
Wind came up and began to blow.
Brass section stepped so clean and fine,
Amos dragged his bass on the line!
Carrying twenty-five pounds of wood,
Keeping that beat like a big man should.
Marched in the mud with his big frame,
Star attraction at the football game!
 
He grew up big, he grew up tall,
He’s the king of the rhythm hall.
Playing tunes on Big and Tall tracks,
With driving piano, jumping sax!
No more marching the football floor,
Just Amos knocking down the door!
 
He plays that boogie all night long!
A thumping rhythm big and strong!
Slapping strings till the floorboards shake,
A monster racket Amos makes!
Yeah, two seats on the bus!
Big Amos and his bass fiddle! 

Mams Carter - The Blues Done Got Me So Bad

In a song of her own writing,  The Blues Done Got Me So Bad, Mams Carter accompanies herself on the piano as a string orchestra plays in the background. Her voice is perfect for the song, and displays her understanding of the blues style. Her voice conveys the sadness and anger that goes along with a breakup.

Had the blues all goddam day long
Been grumpy, all irritated too
I started to sing this song
To try and feel not so blue

The blues... done got me so bad
Sullen and glum, feel so damn bad
I been without him, for so long
Tryin' to cure my sadness...with this song

Rememberin' all the good times
Then the bad memories kick in
Now my unhappy mood still climbs
I thought there's no way we could win

The blues... done got me so bad
Sullen and glum, feel so damn bad
I been without him, for so long
Tryin' to cure my sadness...with this song

Yes, he was a son of a bitch
He lied about so many things
Tried to pull the ol' bait and switch
But the pain of it...still stings!

The blues... done got me so bad
And it makes me so goddam mad!
He's not worth, pain and agony
He wasn't no damned good... for me...

Hambone Riley - Get Your Finger Out My Butt!

 

At GR50 Records, we have what can be termed an eclectic taste in music. That word sounds so pretentious, and can be mistaken to mean no taste at all! Perhaps a better way to describe it is that we appreciate many different genres of music. We have associates that prefer blues, some country, others classical, actually practically all genres are represented by someone or other liking it. We take their recommendations seriously, and along with the recordings they send we use them to determine who might make a good fit for the company.

Looking at our catalog, the main criterion may be said to be artistry. Yeah, a pretty fuzzy and personal idea, so that's why whenever we get a recommendation and a recording of a potential artist for our label, we gather at our great round table, usually at least a dozen associates and executives to determine if we should take the artist on. Sometimes the discussions can get rather loud, as pros and cons make their opinions known. Such was the case for Leroy 'Hambone' Riley.  But the pros won out, despite the argument that we've got enough artists that aren't in the mainstream, which Hambone surely isn't in the mainstream!

The associate that heard him perform live said that he came out on stage kind of timidly, but as soon as the music started he became transformed.  His eyes bugged out as his mouth let out a coarse voice that sung off the wall lyrics about God knows what. That seems to be right up our alley! 

Hambone isn't well known outside of the cheap dive bars he plays in, but others in the music community know of him. In fact, Forgotten Bob knows him quite well, and wrote this song for him, 'Get Yer Finger Out My Butt!' We talked to Forgotten Bob over the phone when we heard Hambone to see what he thought of him. Gotta be different for Forgotten Bob to like you, let alone write a song for you! He did tell us how he got the name 'Hambone'. Seems he used to be a cook in the Army a long time ago, and he was assigned to the ham hocks and beans detail, as everyone raved about how he made it. He liked to put a raw ham bone in the pot to add flavor, so he started trimming off most of the meat left on a ham bone in the cooler. His NCO came in, chastised him for wasting food as there was already ham hocks in the pot. Hambone tried to explain to him that all he wanted was the bone, but the Sergent insisted he put it back in the cooler. Leroy was known to have a temper, and in a fit of pique he hit the Sergent over the head with it from behind! Now this was a raw ham bone, and a raw ham bone is really strong, almost impossible to break, and the Sergent went down in a heap in the cooler. There was an investigation and when the Sergent testified, he said he didn't know what happened. His memory was blank. Hambone got off easy, and the Sergent later told him that he lied to the investigators. He knew he got hit with a raw ham bone, but Hambone was his best cook and he didn't want to lose him. Hambone and the Sarge came to be friends, and that's why they call him Hambone!  So remember, if you want to smack somebody with a ham bone, make sure it's a raw one...

Me and my ol' lady been together many years
Our love for each other has continued to grow
We get along well, never squabble or fight
But part of our relationship isn't good though...

Our sex life sure is a big bore
We decided to try some things
That could give our sex some wings
But I didn't know what was in store...

Woman, get yer finger out my butt!
What in hell is wrong with you
You're into it, ain't a good fit
What in hell am I gonna do?

Woman, get yer finger out my butt!
When I did the same to you
You had a fit, told me to quit
You keep it up with me, it's true!

We tried all kinds of different stuff, toys and such
Fancy frilly underwear, dildos Viagra too
Role playing, slippery stuff, books and videos as well
We found some techniques we both like, but all you wanna do...

Jab yer finger in my ass
What in hell's it do for you?
You've got a hidden kink
Who knew what you'd get into?

Woman, get yer finger out my butt!
I don't think you're very well!
Finger's in it, covered with shit
My bung hole is starting to swell!

Woman, get yer finger out my butt!
What is your obsession?
You take delight, don't treat me right
Every single sexual session!